I can honestly say that even my left lung surgery wasn't this tedious nor was it so annoying. With no exaggeration, every single time I find myself having to use the toilet, I also have to step into the tub and hose myself off like some sort of farm animal.
News flash: I pee. A LOT.
And it's not only the frequent shower visits. It's the constant changing of the gauze (I envision tiny red uniforms and black fuzzy hats on my gauze squares when I say this phrase...although this is not the royal treatment I was looking for...). I guess this wouldn't be SO super bad if it didn't just remind me of my defective vagina 100 times a day. Every time I have to hold a mirror down there in order to see how the placement of gauze is lined up, the emphasis on my non-working lady part is refreshed and I'm brought back down to this gloomy place.
I will say, however, that the last week has brought a lot of healing to the area and the once vast void that was the unwanted hole in my private area has closed a great deal. It is still very uncomfortable to sit and I am still tormented with the idea that cosmetically I'm going to look different coming out of this, but I am starting to see the light at the end of THIS tunnel, at the very least.
The next chapter of my struggle will be my trip down Radiation Road. I'm definitely not looking forward to it. It's not even the fatigue or metal mouth or whatever else accompanies this type of treatment. It's the emotional battle of the even more severe sexual side effects - as if I don't have enough.
For a soon-to-be 29 year old woman with a boyfriend she finds extremely attractive, it's hard to feel as though I've already lost my sexual spark. It's fucking scary to read up on this type of radiation and realize that your vag can legit change it's form. You're basically sent home with this dildo-type thing to stretch yourself out since you basically tighten up to the point where you'll be in pain if you don't. Not to mention the added dryness and irritation. Great. However, The American Cancer Society's site has an interesting take on it: One way to do this is to have vaginal intercourse at least 3 to 4 times a week. Clearly, this was music to my boyfriend's ears (and mine).
I still don't know when my treatment will begin and obviously I won't know about any side effects until I'm going through it. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that they will be minimal and hopefully after 5 and 1/2 weeks of it I'll be able to claim Cancer Free status for real-zies (unlike last time).
