Say NO To CheMO.

It's been quite the rollercoaster ride since I wrote last. To cut to the chase, the news could be a lot better.

I have been told since I started going to Sloan that chemo was basically a last option kind of treatment since it wasn't really known to make too much of a difference. "Chemo" is what I was told at my last appointment.

It's funny; I always seem to know my results before I hear them. In the few days after my last round of scans (which were on June 20th), I started to get that all too familiar bad feeling. I've tried to ignore this feeling from Hell in the past but it always seems to be correct so it's becoming harder and harder to push aside.

I had emailed my oncologist over the weekend to ask her if it was at all possible to call me prior to my appointment with her mid-morning of Monday, June 23rd - if the news was good. At least it would save a trip into NY. The phone rang while we were on our way there and my mom handed it to me, clearly thinking my doctor would have good news since she called. Wrong!

The long and the short of it is that two of the four lung masses (one in each lung) have grown, plus there is a new mass in my right kidney as well as one in my pancreas. Needless to say, the rest of the ride into the city was a somber one.

Because there are multiple spots which my hormone therapy is no longer keeping at bay as well as new masses, my doctor said now was the time for chemo.

Chemo. The word every person with Cancer tries to avoid for as long as possible.

She told me she would probably want to start me on a combo of Gemzar and Docetaxel, but since I was so distraught over the whole thing, she told me she would be ok with just starting me on Gemzar. I had a lot to absorb and went home emotionally drained. I felt as if I had no options. This was how it had to be and I had no choice.

In the days that followed, I attempted to mentally and physically prepare for what was to come on July 9th (my scheduled 1st day of chemo). I dyed my hair back to it's natural color (something that I probably haven't been since I was around 10 years old) and absolutely loathed every second of it.

I tried to emotionally wrap my head around what was quickly approaching...but I just couldn't.

I, like so many others, have mostly vanity to blame for my reasoning behind not wanting chemo. However, there are significant other reasons as well. I do not want to pollute my otherwise healthy body (aside from the Big C, obvi) with a shitton of toxins. I don't want to physically feel sick. I don't want to be miserable for an undetermined amount of time only to have it not work. And lastly, I legitimately cannot mentally handle it. I want chemo to be my absolute LAST option. And even then...I am frightened that I will be "living" whatever time I have left in total torture.

My family and I have been discussing the option of an alternative treatment (something all natural) in other countries. I think I want to try this route before resorting to chemo. My mother found some treatment centers that focus on an entirely different lifestyle then what I am used to. A drastic change in diet, mental health, oxygen therapy, and many other things will encompass this alternative treatment.

It was getting to a point where I so desperately DIDN'T want chemo, that I was strongly considering not doing anything at all and just waiting to see what happened. I know that this is not the right choice for me right now.

I even got a second opinion from an oncologist at Johns Hopkins whom within the hour + meeting with, I grew extremely fond of. She said since the combination of the two types of chemo is so standard, I could really go anywhere to get it (closer to home) and she would be happy to be my point-of-contact doctor. But she also stated that I would remain bald for an indefinite amount of time (until they determined the chemo was no longer working...but as long as it was at least keeping the tumors unchanged, I would remain on the strict regimen...which would mean there would be no end to my misery unless my tumors disappeared or got worse), I would be sick, weak and extremely susceptible to disease due to my lack of an immune system.

Who wants to "live" like that??? I DON'T.

The problem with alternative methods of treatments are that our lovely healthcare system does not agree that they work and therefore, will not cover them. Although I am lucky and happy to receive a Disability check every month, I am also struggling to make ends meet with the amount I am given in general. There is NO way I, along with my parents, would be able to afford paying the massive bill for something like this. So not only do I feel helpless, now I have the added pleasure of feeling almost ashamed since I will most likely have to have some sort of fundraiser(s) to pay for whatever treatment I decide on.

Isn't having Cancer just the bees knees?!

I am still going to Sloan on the 9th because I also have a scheduled appointment to speak with the Ablation doctor that I spoke with a few years back. We figured that perhaps, if I was still a candidate, maybe it would be a good idea to burn one or more of the tumors before I even start any sort of treatment - just to get as much of a clean palate as possible.

There's SO much to decide and think about but honestly all I want to do is forget that I even have this stupid disease! On the plus side, my vagina is doing well...in case you wanted to know.