The Good, The Bad and The Stupid.

It is 9:26pm on a Monday night as I begin to write this. I just got home from a full day at work which lead into my blood work appointment this evening in NY. There are a few points I'd like to touch upon tonight. First - it's always a reassuring feeling when you have more common sense then the people you are dealing with who are scheduling your appointments.

I have been scheduled for my blood work appointment tonight (at 6:45pm) for at least a month. Nothing has changed with this. This afternoon around 3:40pm I received a call from a 212 area code. I've come to learn that whenever a number with this area code shows up - it's always Sloan. Here I'm thinking they've rescheduled my three December appointments (12/5, 12/7 AND 12/12...even people without jobs would never make that trek into the city three separate times in one week) into something slightly more feasible...and logical. This is what I hear on the other end of the phone: "Hi...are you almost here? Or are you on your way?" Um, I'm sitting in my desk chair at work...?

Apparently, since I clearly have psychic abilities that everyone knows about, I was just supposed to know that they scheduled me to meet with my Oncologist (that's right - the same one I met with 7 days ago...) to "re-consent" to my Trial at 3:15pm today. Riiiight. The girl on the other end of the phone - who I always enjoy when I see her - had no idea that I had no idea about my 3:15pm appointment and asked me if the lab was even open at 6:45pm. Ha. She said she would call me right back once she found out what the heck was going on.

An hour later I called my doctor's office to find out what was happening since I was scheduled to leave for the train 25 minutes later to go to my actual appointment. My doctor wound up getting on the phone to say she had no idea what was happening and that long story short, they changed some of the blood work from week 17 to this week, so I had to sign off on it again. Which is fine - just let me know what the hell is going on! She stated she would sign her portion of the paperwork and leave it for me to sign once I got to my blood work appointment later that night.

Off I go to my appointment. My mother and I arrive a few minutes early to which the nurse looks at me like I have 17 heads and tells me the Trial nurse left because they said I cancelled my appointment for that night.

I wish I had a personal photographer (for many reasons) to catch the array of faces I must make during my visits to Sloan. Needless to say, multiple phone calls were made to I'm sure many people who were on their way home from work. My paperwork that was supposed to be signed and waiting for me was nowhere to be found. The nurse on duty (who is always very nice whenever I see her) had no idea how much blood to draw. Finally, my Oncologist called back stating that since my paperwork had somehow gone missing from the time it was sent down the two floors from her office to the lab, I would only be able to get my blood work done that was originally supposed to be drawn. Fine. At this point I just wanted something to be done so I would know I didn't waste my time/money rushing into the city.

For the second time in a week, my blood was drawn without me going into a full-fledged panic attack. I think I was even calmer seeing that only 3 vials were being taken. After the nurse was done and I was guzzling orange juice, she stated that since we didn't have the signed consent, the other 10 VIALS that were supposed to be drawn tonight couldn't be.

Excuse me? An additional 10 VIALS? That would make 13 in total tonight should they have actually had my paperwork. Are they trying to bleed me dry?! No sooner did she say that, that I started to feel the blood drain from my face and my anxiety start to kick in. I talked myself down from an attack, reassuring myself that at least I wouldn't need to go through that tonight. But would this mean I'd have to come back since not everything was done? I'm nervous not only because I'm not looking forward to another appointment - but also because what if this screws up my Trial somehow? I didn't go through all the crap I've already gone through and pumped with some unknown substance into my body for it to just suddenly mean nothing. I guess I'm going to have to call my doctor later this week to find out for sure.

As I was walking out with my mother I made a comment that I would have to include tonight's events in my next blog. She shot back that maybe I should write about Sloan in a positive way rather then a negative one. I don't agree with her that I've been portraying Sloan in a negative light. I just want to be clear - that hospital has done miracles with me and I will forever be grateful for the amazing doctor's I've come in contact with there. I'm alive and well today because of them. However, when I started writing this blog I made it a point to commit to documenting everything along this journey - both good and bad. This is life and shitty things happen all the time. People fuck up. Mistakes happen. I just wish they wouldn't happen so often in my world but hey - what can ya do!

At least the softball size welt that I usually get from my vaccination didn't seem as bad this time around. I didn't really have a lot of pain and you can see that the spot isn't as large. Perhaps there is a "sweet spot" on my arm that when injected into that specific area, my reaction isn't as severe.

To close out my thoughts for tonight, I'd just like to take a moment to talk to all the "social" smokers out there. I can proudly say that I have no regrets in my life. I did everything I did because at the time I did it, I thought it was the "right" thing to do and I trust myself and know that I've learned from many, many mistakes I've made along the way. One of the things I would do differently if I could do it over would be to never have been a "social" smoker in my earlier years.

I was never a smoker. However, when I would drink if someone was holding a cigarette I would take a few drags. Why? Why did I ever do this? Honestly - what is the point? What did it get me? I haven't touched a cigarette in about 6 years...this isn't because of Cancer. This is because I realized how incredibly fucking dumb it was. It didn't do anything for me but give me a headache and a sore throat. I was scared it was going to fuck up my voice. Ha.

I've had way too many heated discussions with friends and loved ones regarding the dangers of only being a "social" smoker. The sad fact of the matter is, no one understands unless they actually have to go through something themselves. I haven't touched a cigarette in years - yet I wound up with Cancer in my lung. It's so unfair...yet I wouldn't wish this fucking disease on my worst enemy. However, I do wish I could make people understand that every time you inhale all those poisons/chemicals, you're that much closer to having your worst nightmares come true.

This isn't a joke. It's a cold and extremely lonely place when you're the one the doctor is showing the scans of a malignant tumor to. When you're the one questioning how much longer you're expected to live. When you're the one sitting in the waiting room of a hospital, watching dying people sitting across from you...and to your left...and to your right...all hanging onto the hope that they might get a few more years, or months...or days.

It's especially lonely when you watch people you care so much about voluntarily stick that cigarette in their mouth after they were hysterically crying about how broken they were knowing you have Cancer again only a few months ago. I honestly wish I was without a fucking care in the world and could have the option to light up whenever I felt like it. Why not? People do it all the time. But at what cost? I guess they never really think there is a cost until something horrible happens to them. Clearly it's not enough when something horrible happens to someone they love and apparently care so much about.

There are many things in this life that I have questioned and will continue to question. That will forever remain one of them. How someone could be so close to another that they go to every doctor's appointment. Sit through every anxiety attack. Watch every tear fall from that other person's eyes. See all the pain and torment that other person has as they battle a life-threatening disease that they got stuck with for no apparent and good reason...yet they voluntarily put themselves at risk for the same disaster to happen to them. I don't understand. It doesn't make any sense. It makes me so extremely angry - and it always will. I'm the one that wound up with this, yet I'm the one that always tried to keep it away.

Think before you act, people. Is it really worth it in the end?

And as for the 10 additional vials of blood...all I have to say to you is...

4th vaccination.

Today I was scheduled for my 4th vaccination and a visit with my Oncologist. I arrived approximately 45 minutes early to my appointment with my doctor and was (un)pleasantly surprised that she had scheduled me for some blood work prior to my meeting with her. YAY! I'm not sure if it was because I didn't have much time to react or because I'm (gasp!) actually getting better with getting stabbed but I did super well! No crying, no weird anxiety...it was actually as if I could handle it. Could I possibly be getting over my phobia?

I know that when people have anxiety towards a certain thing a lot of times they're treated by being exposed to whatever it is that they're anxious about. Maybe by constantly having to deal with this crap it's actually helping me get over it or at least make it tolerable for me. We'll see.

I was in and out with the blood work, vitals and finally meeting with my doctor. I made sure to complain about that nasty bitch I had to meet with in her place the last time I had a check up. She told me she "wasn't surprised" with what I had to say - I'm guessing others had the same complaints I did. Like, what the hell? If people are complaining about her then why keep her on this Trial? It's not my fault she's a miserable shrew. Whatev. I told my doctor that if for some reason in the future she wasn't available I would absolutely not meet with that other asshole. Done and done.

I also told her that my ribs were still killing me. Lately they feel like they're even more sore then they were last month (not to mention I'm still all numb). Perhaps it's because I'm not really free-boobin' it a lot lately. I'm working and then going out after and not really lettin' it all hang out until I get home at night. Anyway, my doctor decided to check them out by pressing her fingers into the sore spots...! So not only were they sore before she checked them but they were that much worse after I left my appointment with her. Always a good time at Sloan. Lucky for me I had hours of bra-wearing time left...

Because they have to wait for the results of my blood work to come back on days when I meet with the doctor before they can thaw out my vaccination, I was informed that it would take an hour and 1/2 to two hours before I could get my injection.

My dad and I headed to dinner, walked around the city, got some cupcakes at Crumbs and sat at Barnes and Noble for a bit. We headed back and were called in right away...where we wound up sitting for an hour more...waiting. How I love wasting time.

The vaccination was quick and wasn't as painful as it normally is. Even now, over 3 hours later, my arm isn't red or swollen and doesn't really hurt. I guess I'll see what it looks like tomorrow. I told the nurse to give me the shot a little lower then she normally does because I have my first real vocal gig since surgery coming up on Wednesday with my ladies, The Bar-Top Bandits (look us up), and I'm going to cover up the giant blotch with a bandanna tied around my arm.

At least I can try to look decent since my stupid voice might not be full force. My allergies are TERRIBLE. My ears are clogged, my throat is scratchy, my nose is running, my head is congested and my face is schnozy. Yes...schnozy. It's not a good thing. I might as well have a nasty cold. Leave it to me to have a serious vocal performance and be sick for it. I remember in high school I was legit sick for every single show I was in. Every single one. I would be backstage chugging tea with lemon and honey and sucking like I've never sucked before on cough drop after cough drop after cough drop. Something tells me I'm going to have some deja vu on Wednesday. Not good. Hopefully it all goes well.

I have my next appointment at Sloan next Monday...at 6:45pm. So I get to work a full work day then rush into the city to get 10 vials of blood drawn! What a great day that will be! I guess I just  need to take it one day at a time. Today wasn't terrible. And after this next appointment I won't have another one until early December. I guess that's something to look forward to...although I'll be getting my first CT Scan's since I started the Trial at that time. I'm both nervous and excited to get the scans. Nervous because of what might or might not show up and excited for what might or might not show up.

Hopefully I can start my Cancer-free anniversaries again. Fingers crossed.

So now I'm home, relaxing...feet up, binding bra off...blowing my nose every 9 minutes, sneezing every 7 minutes and dabbing the tears seeping out of my watery eyes every 4 minutes. These crappy Kleenex tissues feel like sandpaper and I can't stop peeing because I must have drank 38 cups of tea today. Ah, all in a day in the life of a chick with bad allergies.

At least I'm in the company of a little man who wants to make out despite my appearance...

What are we waiting for?

It's been a while since I wrote last and I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing. Perhaps it's good since I don't have any new and crappy things to say about myself. My ribs still hurt. My scar is still jaggedly placed on my upper back. I'm still "enrolled" in the Trial. I'm still slowly but surely regaining full use of my lungs. It still feels weird to take a deep breath. I'm still numb under my left arm and down around my side. Everything is still the same other then the fact that I guess I'm feeling a little emotional with all the news surrounding the recent passing of Apple co-founder, Steve Jobs.

Being on the Committee for my town's Relay For Life (largest fundraiser The American Cancer Society holds each year...look it up if you don't know what it is...it's amazing) every year I'm always utilizing the phrase that everyone has been touched by Cancer in some way. Whether a friend, relative, colleague, friend of a friend, or they themselves have the disease, everyone is affected by this killer in one way or another. It doesn't discriminate. Cancer attacks every race, gender, age, religion. Truly Good people...brilliant people...undeserving people...are beaten down by this disease each day. It's absolutely heartbreaking when you think about it.

Imagine a man who helped shaped the face of technology as we know it today - a visionary in his field - dying at the premature age of 56. I guess I just can't help but wonder what else he could've possibly done in his lifetime had his existence not been claimed by Cancer. Every day people are feeling the sting of being told You have Cancer yet we continue not to really live life. We continue to pollute our bodies with toxins. We continue to stay in relationships that make us unhappy. We continue to stay at jobs we hate. We continue to hold back telling people we love them because we're scared or hurt or have too much pride. We continue to just go through the motions instead of truly enjoying and living life to the absolute fullest. I know I'm as guilty as any with this reality. But why? What are we afraid of? What are we waiting for? It will be too late once we're dead.

I can honestly say that lately I've definitely been doing certain things a lot more then I used to. I sing at every chance I get. In the car. In my room. At work. In the shower. At the top of my lungs. Under my breath. Into a mic. Into a hairbrush. I almost lost something that means so much to me that I tear up just thinking about what could've been had something just gone slightly different during my surgery.

I go out more. I take more chances. I say yes more then I say no. I find myself out of my element a little more each day and find myself actually enjoying it. Maybe I'm finally beginning to realize life is more then just waking up, going to work, eating a boring meal, sitting in traffic, going to sleep. Yeah, maybe it sucks if I'm tired the next day but having a great time the night before with friends, laughing, savoring the simple pleasures this life can actually throw at you might be worth the heavy eyelids.

I've said many times that this fucked up disease hasn't changed me in many ways - especially the way I viewed the world. Maybe I was wrong. Lately I do seem to stare at the colors a sunset sky provides a little longer. I drive with the windows down to feel the breeze instead of worrying if it will mess up my hair. I'm late to work more often because I'll sit in my car in the parking lot to finish the end of a song I love to hear. They're not big changes. No one would even notice I'm any different - I barely do. But it's a start. It's something. Maybe it'll lead to something a little more significant and maybe it won't. Who knows. But it's something.

My first day back

It seems that with each vaccination I get, the swelling and red blotch on my arm gets a little larger. Sadly, I didn't take a photo of what my arm looked like this last time around but it was probably around the size of the bottom of a coffee mug (if you were to press it to your arm and trace the circumference with a pen). That is most definitely larger then the first two injections I received. I'm hoping that as the weeks go by and I continue to get vaccinations my entire arm doesn't blow up so that I look like I have Elephantitis. I guess we shall see.

My last few days of freedom before returning to work proved to be pretty damn good as I had a trip to Miami with my ladies booked. I was able to get a nice tan (that I apparently couldn't acquire the entire summer while laying in my yard), go out and have fun with my friends before returning to the real world. Some highlights of the trip include:

* Peeing in a cup so my friend could pore it on her hand in order to subside the burning feeling of her newly acquired jellyfish sting
* Receiving VIP seats and free drinks from old Indian men whom were quite fond of a few of us (especially my cousin who was probably 2ft taller then the smitten one, resting his head on her bosom while trying to dance with her)
* My girls getting hit on by two, much older DRUNK gentlemen...one of which was pointing to my phone which I was holding out in front of me but wound up basically poking me in my chest. Way to cop a free feel, buddy.
* One of my wonderful friends (whom shall remain nameless) getting so drunk that she fell asleep at the bar one night and wound up puking all over a cab one of the following nights...

Good times, people. Good times...

Which leads me into my first day back at work which was yesterday, 9/6. One would think that being out for basically 2 months I would receive some help on my first day back. NOPE! Not that lucky, sucker! My colleague had a scheduled week vacation this week which is fine...but I was informed that at least I would have one person here to help me as I returned to the office. I think it was a FINE idea to let me fend for myself my very first day back at work - especially not knowing what the hell was going on, what orders were open, who was working, etc. This is the company I work for. They really care a great deal for their associates. Clearly.

On top of all of that, I also brought home a stomach bug from Miami...causing me to be in the bathroom every 20 minutes with shit (literally) coming out both sides of me (I know, I'm very lady-like) as well as horrendous stomach pains. I was legit sitting at my desk with my work pants completely unbuttoned and un-zipped because I couldn't deal with any pressure on my belly.

Needless to say, my first day back sucked huge hairy-ass balls.

On a lighter note, I was asked to sing The National Anthem this coming Sunday for 9/11 at Asbury Park's Oyster Festival! I'm excited just to go to the festival but singing at it is even better. Especially being able to do something patriotic on a day such as that. It always brings back memories of being in high school 10 years ago (yikes, I'm showing my age) and watching everything happen on a small TV in the Library of my school. Crazy.

My next appointments at Sloan aren't until October which I am SUPER happy about. At least I won't have to go for another month.

It's a miracle!

Yesterday was my 2nd vaccination for the Trial...and things actually ran smoothly! It might be a small miracle. I called before I left the house to say I was on my way, the lab called me back within a few minutes to say that I was checked in and they had began thawing out my vaccination. We arrived there and only waited around 10 minutes before being called in. The nurse had everything ready so I was in and out of the lab within 5 minutes. The shot wasn't nearly as painful this time going in, I didn't cry and my anxiety level was at it's minimum. Hooray! This is me, happy (for once) after getting my vaccination:

What happened the last time was that my arm was totally in pain right after getting the shot. This time, it really didn't hurt. Today, though - my arm hurts bad. The last time it lasted about 3 days of me not really being able to sleep on it or touch it. Aside from the pain I also got a little swelling and a red blotch about the size of a silver dollar. BUT, no flu-like symptoms or anything crazy so I'm happy about that. Hopefully it stays that way and as I continue to get the vaccinations it doesn't get worse.

Other then my first really fabulous visit to Sloan yesterday, I don't really have any new news. I can say that my ribs are still very sensitive and the same areas that were numb, still are. It doesn't help that I've been getting back to my normal social life where wearing a bra is a necessity. This might be causing my ribs to remain in pain constantly. Who knows. My scar remains pretty gnarly looking and hasn't really started to look any better then it did a month ago. The arrow is pointing to my vaccination area and if you look closely, you can still see some bruising left from my freakin' surgery over 8 weeks ago. My body is nuts. You'd think at least the bruises would have went away by now.

In 3 days I will have been out for 9 weeks. Have I received my FIRST Disability check as of yet? NOPE! This is just getting to the point of insanity now. Seriously, anyone going out on Disability in the state of New Jersey needs to save their pennies for months before deciding to get sick (as if we have a choice); otherwise, you'll be dancing for dollars as soon as you're able to walk. It's absurd.

My next vaccination is this coming Wednesday since I will be jet-setting to Miami on Thursday morning. I'm hoping things will go just as quick and easy as they did this week but with Sloan it's always a gamble.

First Vaccination = Day from Hell.

Today I was scheduled to receive my first vaccination for the Trial. Along with this came more blood work and a visit with one of the doctor's. My first appointment was scheduled at 8:45am, my second at 9pm and my third at 9:30am - all in the same building this time. I was thinking to myself that perhaps this might be an OK day being that I wasn't going to be there super long. Why is it that I find I'm perpetually wrong when it comes to anything having to do with going to Sloan?

My dad and I got there on time this morning where I was stabbed in a not-so-pleasant vein in my forearm for my (gag) second set of blood work of the week. I cried. It was no fun. At this point while I'm calming down the nurse proceeds to chat about the process going along with getting the vaccinations and I hear her say that it will take about 2-3 hours so I should come back. Um, excuse me?

The nurse goes on to explain that they can't thaw out the vaccination until I physically "check in" or after I see a doctor and they give the lab the go-ahead. What the fuck is the point of making an appointment if it means diddly-squat? I just don't understand. Call me crazy but if I make an appointment for a certain time, I'm going to think it's for that time - not for 2-3 hours later. So now I'm pissed off. But whatever. I'll get over it. I head up to the 5th floor to meet with a doctor for whatever reason that may be since I already saw my Oncologist three days ago (she wasn't around today so she scheduled me to meet with her colleague).

I stop at the desk to tell them I'm there and ask how long it'll take - being that again, nothing is ever on time at that place. The girl behind the desk says the doctor is running on schedule and I'll be called back shortly. An hour later I'm still waiting. I finally get called back into the room to meet with the doctor...where I proceed to wait for another 30 minutes. At this point my blood is boiling. It's like you have to go in search for someone to tell you what the fuck is going on since no one ever has the common courtesy to tell you that it's going to take a little longer then expected. Notice how happy I look.

FINALLY the doctor comes in...with a chip on her shoulder. Great. I attempt to ask why I'm meeting with her since I already saw my Oncologist three days prior. She says it's part of the protocol that I need to meet with a doctor to get a physical and get my blood pressure, temperature, etc. checked (which I already did prior to seeing her since every time you meet with a doctor you get your vitals taken). She proceeds to listen to my heart for a total of 60 seconds. I then ask why no one explained to me that every time I would have to get a vaccination it wouldn't be ready at the time of my appointment. She tells me it's part of the protocol. I tell her that I'm not trying to be nasty here but I do work full time and I don't have all the time in the world to take off of work to sit at Sloan for hours after my appointments are scheduled for. I ask if I could call when I'm on my way in to speed up the process so I'm not just sitting around for hours waiting for something that will take 5 minutes. She cuts me off mid-sentence with a bitch-ass attitude stating that I signed a Consent Form and this is the protocol and basically if I don't like it I can withdrawal from the Trial. Um, what the fuck is your problem you nasty BITCH. Seriously, this is the first fucking time I'm doing something like this, I have no idea what is going on, I'm practically donating my fucking body to science to benefit YOU people and you're making it seem like YOU'RE doing ME a favor? I don't think so. It's like they really make it difficult for you to feel good about the decision you made...and that really makes me upset. It took me such a long time to finally feel good about saying Yes to this and now I feel like I'm starting to regret my decision. I have no regrets in my life and I don't want to start now.

Is it me or do I always seem to have some sort of problem? I just seriously cannot understand why nothing is ever easy in my life. I just have to laugh about it because if I don't I'll go out of my mind.

She leaves the room without saying goodbye, or thank you, or talk to you soon, or anything. Just leaves. With the same attitude she came in with. Shortly thereafter the same nurse I spoke with on the phone a few weeks ago to discuss the Trial comes in to speak with me further. I ask her the same questions and receive different answers. I explain to her that I'm not in the least trying to be difficult - just trying to understand what the fuck is going on. My dad was about to blow a gasket at this point. He told me he wanted to knock the doctor's teeth out...with good reason. She would've deserved it. As if it isn't stressful enough to have this disease, come into the city, get told you'll be waiting 3 hours past the time of your actual appointment...to receive some no-name drugs getting pumped into your body with unknown side effects...at least be a little nice. Is it really that difficult? Apparently so.

The nurse calls the lab to see if my vaccination was called in yet - no. Of course not! Why would it be?! She tells me they'll call me when it's ready. My dad and I go out to brunch, walk around the city a bit, buy some books at Barnes and Noble and head back to Sloan. Two more hours have surpassed. I check in at the desk when I get back to the 4th Floor and they tell me they're not ready yet. Another 45 minutes goes by before they call me back. At this point I just want to get the fucking thing over with already and get the hell home.

I give my normal explanation of how I have a phobia of needles and to please just get it over with as quickly as possible. The vaccination hurts - a lot more then I thought it would. It's not the needle, but whatever it is that's being injected. It stings and makes my arm sore. The nurse asks me to stay for 10 minutes just to make sure I don't get any severe side effects. It's after 1:15pm when I'm walking out the door. I arrived at Sloan a little after 8am (with my last appointment of the day scheduled for 9:30am).

If this isn't torture, I don't know what is. I can understand that there are times things happen. Sometimes you can be running behind - I get it. However, when you're the one that's waiting hours at least 98% of the time you go, it can get a little fucking frustrating.

While my dad and I were walking to the car, my arm started to hurt. It's really sore now as I write this, hours later. BUT, it was explained to me that practically everyone in the Trial developed swelling and redness at the injection site - I don't have this thus far. Watch, tomorrow I'll wake up and my entire arm will be double the size it normally is. That's my luck, folks!

Speaking of my luck (or lack thereof), I called Disability two days ago to ask why I still have yet to see my FIRST check. They proceeded to tell me I was missing the Employer section of my paperwork. Oh really? You mean the same Employer section that was faxed along with EVERYTHING ELSE back in JUNE? So - I faxed everything once again and have to call back tomorrow to make sure they got everything this time. Are you kidding me? I haven't been paid in almost 8 weeks, people. I am legit broke. If you see me on a local street corner, don't be alarmed. This is what my life has amounted to.

In a nutshell - today was not the most pleasant. Some of my friends and my mom suggested rethinking my decision if this is what it's going to be like. I really don't want to pull out of this. It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that I was going to put myself through my own personal Hell and I was actually content with that...until today. I wish someone could just explain to me why things in my life never run smoothly. I really try to make it happen! It just never does. I already can't wait for these next 84 weeks to end.

Signed my life away.

Today were my first appointments for the Trial. We left at 6am (FUN) and by the grace of God ALL my appointments were on time! For some reason, my wonderful stale-watered-down-jello-contrast drink that they have me drink a gallon of for my CT Scans was exceptionally disgusting this morning. Notice the pleasant look on my face (and the lack of makeup since I was up at the crack):

The CT's went well - I got a wet reading today from my Oncologist and she said everything was good. There was a fluid mass in my lung but apparently that's considered normal after a surgery, plus another new nodule in my kidney. They're going to monitor it but it's so small that they think it's nothing. Let's hope it stays like that.

I didn't take any xanax today - which is a first for me when going to Sloan so I was a little nervous I would pass out in the chair. Surprisingly, I didn't even cry! This is also a first for me. I was proud of myself. After the CT's were done, I got my usual allergic reaction to the contrast - a pencil eraser sized hive by my right eye. I have been getting the same allergic reaction for almost 3 years since my first CT Scan and have been taking pre-meds before every CT since. Today was the first day they made me stay for an extra 20 minutes after my scans just to make sure I wouldn't go into a crazy full allergic breakdown. Apparently one day my entire body could blow up into one giant hive. That would be just my luck. Needless to say, I wasn't happy about keeping the stupid IV in past the amount of time I needed to but because they gave me an extra bag of fluids I noticed that my reaction went down a lot quicker then it usually does.

I headed over to my second appointment for my blood work at the second location of the day. I warned the nurse of my phobia, armed myself with a giant cup of Orange Juice and positioned my hand around my dads fingers to squeeze them off. After she put the 7 vials in the cup holder next to me I decided it would probably be best if I left my eyes closed the remainder of the time. I didn't pass out, I cried just a little and I was able to walk out of there within 5 minutes. Go me! Maybe I'm getting better at this? Who knows. I hope so because I'm going to be going through this shit the rest of my life.

After lunch, my dad and I headed over to the third location of the day to meet with my Oncologist and sign my life away.

I think I made the "right" decision. Let's hope nothing negative comes of this but I have to say, I do have a good feeling about everything and I'm happy with the decision I made. My next appointment is in 3 days to get my first vaccination. I'm really hoping I don't get any weird side effects from it. They stated that really the only thing that has been happening to other patients is some swelling and redness by the injection site. But it is a vaccination so I could develop some flu-like symptoms as well. That would suck because I'm scheduled for my third week in a row vaccination the day before I leave for Miami. If I'm sick for that trip I'll be PISSED. My entire summer sucked - I NEED this vacation. I guess we shall see.

So - I'm stuck for 84 weeks in the Trial. Of course I could pull out anytime I want but what would be the point of that? I need to stick it out and I will. I'm just not really looking forward to it.