While my oncologist was explaining the treatment, all that kept running through my mind was that my womanhood was basically being stolen from me...as foolish as that sounds. I was told that I would be pushed into menopause and would never be able to have children. Ever.
Being that my Cancer is shown to be estrogen based/fed/whatever you'd like to call it, I guess if I ever were to want to have a child it would be kind of like a death sentence for me. Then of course, the one thing she said that has stuck out in my mind more then anything else from Monday's meeting was that even if I had a child, the chances of me walking that kid down the aisle was slim. So basically, she shaved a whoooole lot of years off my life with that one statement. It's a little like getting your stomach punched extremely hard when hearing something like that. Like basically you're gasping for breath but you have none. It's a good thing I was about 6 xanax deep by then because if I was completely coherent I probably would've passed out.
After giving the go ahead to strip me of all things female, I collapsed on the floor of that stupid hospital bathroom and basically just kept telling myself that everything would be fine and I would get through this like I've gotten through everything else that has been thrown my way.
I find it extremely ironic and sickening that I can never have children and that my life might possibly end sooner then expected. Growing up, I ALWAYS said that I never wanted kids and I never wanted to be one of those suffering elderly people who are basically just surviving day by day instead of really living. Ha. Be careful what you wish for, eh? I'm obviously living proof that you might get what you want. And it might turn out to be exactly the opposite of what you need.
So now I'm plagued with the thought of never having a genetically matched mini me running around...and I'll tell you, the thought hurts. Who would've thought this anti-child woman would've ever had a change of heart? Not me! But in true Erin fashion, not being able to have something always made me want it that much more. Sick, I know.
After I popped another 3 xanax and exited Sloan with my face as puffy and red as an over-ripe tomato, I started the long ride home of torture just playing out all these horrible scenario's in my head of what was to come. As bottles of lube and ice packs and Viagra for women danced in my head, I finally drifted to sleep. It felt like the next two days were spent in that same self-medicated state where I was up and down all at the same time.
It is exactly one week since my first injection and I have a few things to say. First, the side effects have been minimal compared to the lovely LONG list I will share later on that I found on Lupron. The third day I was met with wanting to puke in my garbage can at work the entire day. I have never been so nauseous in my entire life. The following day my period showed up unannounced and unexpected. The fifth day was spent with my head between my legs because of the almost debilitating cramps that I was getting...all damn day. Basically, it was as if I was 14 again and I had to stay home from school because of how completely shitty I felt from being on the rag.
I can say that I was rather emotional upon learning that my period had come. It was almost as if I was waving from the deck of a departing ship and Aunt Flow was sending me off...wishing me well. I would never see her again. The bitch that I hated for so many years was finally leaving me alone and yet I wished she would stay with me for many, many more years to come. How fucked up is that!
The day after learning my fate and receiving my first injection, I met up with a very dear friend and fellow Survivor. She had actually been on Lupron in the past and told me that yes, the hot flashes and vaginal dryness sucked...but that it wasn't as bad as I would think it was going to be. This was somewhat reassuring but at the same time, all I kept thinking is knowing my luck, I would be the one to turn Bipolar, have my boobs shrink and never want to have sex again. I would be the 27 year old Shrew.
The day I returned to work, my mother decided to send me a link to glance over all the side effects that have been known to accompany Lupron use. The following are the ones listed (brace yourself):
Leuprolide injection may cause side effects. Tell your doctor if any of these symptoms are severe or do not go away:
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tiredness
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hot flashes (a sudden wave of mild or intense body heat), sweating, or
clamminess
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breast tenderness, pain, or change in breast size in both men and women
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vaginal discharge, dryness, or itching in women
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spotting (light vaginal bleeding) or menstruation (periods)
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decrease in size of testicles
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decrease in sexual ability or desire
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swelling of the hands, feet, ankles, or lower legs
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pain, burning, or tingling in the hands or feet
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pain, burning, bruising, or hardening at place where injection was given
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change in weight
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muscle or joint pain
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flu-like symptoms
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acne
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depression
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unable to control emotions and frequent mood changes
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nervousness
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general feeling of discomfort or uneasiness
- difficulty with memory
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redness or swelling at place where injection was given
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itching, rash, or hives
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difficulty breathing or swallowing
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pain in the arms, back, chest, neck, or jaw
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slow or difficult speech
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dizziness or fainting
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weakness, numbness, or inability to move an arm or leg
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bone pain
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painful, frequent, or difficult urination
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blood in urine
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extreme thirst
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weakness
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dry mouth
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nausea
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vomiting
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breath that smells fruity
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decreased consciousness
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sudden headache
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blurred vision
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vision changes
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difficulty moving eyes
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drooping eyelids
- confusion
Moving along to the bottom list...difficult speech? Most times I already think I'm dyslexic with a speech impediment since I'm constantly stumbling over my own words. Decreased consciousness? Drooping eyelids?! Confusion?? It's a battle for me to remember where I am and what I'm doing on a regular basis let alone tack on some more of it. I mean...I don't even know how fruity breath can be added as a negative thing. I would actually prefer my breath to smell like a mango rather then the alternative. I'm going to say that this might actually be the one and only positive on this list of negatives.
Needless to say, I was not exactly thanking my mother for enlightening me with all these nightmare side effect possibilities. I guess the only thing I could do is wait to find out how this would affect me...and surprisingly (FINGERS CROSSED), so far so good. That's not to say I won't suddenly wake up not knowing where I am or how I gained 65lbs while I'm puking over the side of my bed in pain with a "general feeling of discomfort or uneasiness".
My next injection is scheduled for June 4th and the following one in July, followed by CT's to see how (or if) this treatment is working. If it is, I will continue this treatment indefinitely until it stops working. If it's not working, I will most likely start chemo. My oncologist did make it a point to say we would find the right one that wouldn't cause my hair to fall out. At least she remembered that my vanity is still coming into play here.
So, as usual, now I get to play the waiting game to see if this whole hormone therapy bullshit will actually work. I was considering making a small shrine to my birth control that I will no longer need (we've been having an affair for around 8 years) but decided to spare you the photo montage and just say that the amount of support I've received over the last week has been incredibly heartwarming. It makes moving onwards and upwards a little easier...even if I seem like an emotional wreck most of the time. I'm hoping I can just go on living...happily. Time will tell.
In the meantime, if you see me wandering the streets aimlessly and don't know who I am or what I'm saying, do not fret. It's just the hormones.
