It's been a few months since I've written last and perhaps it's because I haven't had the most positive mental status lately. The past few months have been a downward spiral when referring to the side effects I've been having due to my meds. My emotions have taken hold of me to the extreme that there are times I can barely control them. My anxiety is out of control. The littlest things can set me off into this whirlwind of highs and lows and it might take a full day before I can actually step back and see myself being a complete bitch or basket case or psycho or whatever it is I'm being that moment in time.
Aside from losing myself in these moments of tornado-esque emotional battles, I have also been (steadily) losing my libido. Talk about anxiety. It's not easy when you're (a young) 28 and in a relationship with someone you love and you would rather just watch TV until you're tired rather then tucker yourself out rolling around between the sheets. That, coupled with some other woman-y issues, would cause any chick of sound mind to go nuts. Pair those things with the fact that I can see myself going batty as it is and you will get the most recent months of my life that I've been dealing with.
As the days go by, the more I feel like I'm sinking deeper into this crappy hole I've somehow become all too familiar with...and I hate it. I know I'm not making it easy on the people in my life that I love the most. Dealing with me on a good day is probably a bit of work - I can't even imagine dealing with me on one of my loony ones.
About two weeks ago, I was (as usual) falling into one of these emotional sink-holes when I was blankly surfing around on Facebook. I came across the page of a dear friend of mine who tragically lost her brother one year ago. I read her post and couldn't help but be reminded of the small miracles Life can present during the most unbearable of times. It's happenings like this that bring you back from your personal Pity-Party Hell and jog your memory of why Life is so amazing to begin with.
There are so many times I wonder to myself how heartbreaking events can happen to the lives of people who do not deserve them. Last year, the younger brother of a wonderful woman I know lost his life way too soon. He passed away in his bed at his parents house.
In their family, it is believed that moths are the spirits of lost loved ones. A day after my friend and her family buried this young man, friends and family were gathering at her parents house. There, a black and white (his favorite colors) moth landed on the handle of a door and then proceeded to fly into the house. The next morning her father was in her brother's room and turned around to find the moth in the middle of his son's pillow - the same place he passed away.
It remained there for the following 12 hours and allowed family members to touch and handle it. After that it flew away, but not before renewing the family's belief that their brother/son/uncle/loved one was still with them.
One year later, something most people would believe to be nothing short of a miracle occurred to the same family. As friends and family gathered on the evening of the anniversary of my friend's brother, a black and white moth landed a few feet away from a memorial garden planted for him. The moth proceeded to land on various members of the family including his father and my friend. It was getting late so she wound up driving home with the moth still attached to her dress. She wound up hanging the dress on a hanger and went to sleep - only to wake up periodically during the night to find the moth still on her dress.
The following morning she awoke to find the moth not on her dress, but on her bed. The moth stayed with her for two days, allowing her and family members to pet and hold it. How amazing.
Some may find this occurrence to be simply coincidental. I find this story to be truly uplifting and remarkable. How incredible a seemingly small and normally trivial event can really be when your heart and mind are open. This story amazes me each time I think about it. It restores my positivity when it seems like there is mostly only negativity surrounding me.
I have been trying to hold onto this when I feel myself starting to slip into my coma of pessimism. It is stories like this that remind me that miracles do exist. We just need to believe in them.