The other day it struck me that everything/one has to do with numbers. There are over 7 billion people in this world. I read a while back that the average human life expectancy is 78. 3-6 billion trees are cut down each year. The average person sleeps about 649,401 hours in their lifetime. The average number of puppies in a litter is 4-6. 1 in every 3 women (1 in every 2 men) will get Cancer in their lifetime.
Everything has a number. The other day I found out a number that I didn't know: the medicine that I found out was working has shown to be successful in only 10% of patients. Maybe this was told to me when I was in a xanax fog but I don't remember hearing that statistic. My mother stated that my oncologist clearly stated this fact not too long ago. A 90% failure rate is not exactly a number I want to hear.
Of course my mother, being the miracle believer she is, started raving how incredible it was for me to be one of those in the 10%. Yes, that's true...but I couldn't help but wonder how long I would remain in that small circle. I found myself questioning my numbers compared to everyone elses and honestly, it's both scary and comforting.
I know that in my life so far I am luckier then so many others and for that, I will always be thankful for the life I've been given. However, I still find myself wondering why some people will never be faced with certain challenges than others. Granted, every single person will battle their own trials and personal demons in their lifetime, don't get me wrong. I just find that in the short time I've had in this life I've seen some really good people go through way too much then they should have to.
Most recently I've watched some incredibly kind friends face some extreme challenges that unfortunately will not end with a desirable outcome. It just plain blows. When someone tells me I'm a strong person I automatically think of people like them and can't even imagine being as courageous. Although I cannot even begin to describe the affliction they will face, I can say that they've opened my eyes to the cold fact that anything can happen during your time on this earth. Some things will be amazing and some will be terrible. What I do know is that all of our numbers differ.
After coming to this realization I made an agreement with myself that from now on I would make decisions for me. I will stop doing what I think I should because that's what you're taught or told or made to believe is the right thing to do. I will start making decisions because it makes me happy. Whether or not everyone else agrees, doesn't matter anymore to me.
Now don't mistake this change of pace as being crazy or irrational. I mean simple decisions: buying those awesome shoes even though I should probably put it in my savings account. Calling out of work on a gorgeous day to take my dogs to the park. Slowing down. Living a more simple kind of life. Taking risks and not regretting or second guessing. Making mistakes. Going outside your comfort zone.
My next CT's are in 3 days. I will find out the results in 4. I'm obviously hoping for the best outcome - that the meds will still be working. After that I will have another 3 months until the next set of tests. Maybe I won't see the age of 78 or maybe I will. The point is, you just never know what life can throw at you. I'm starting to realize that perhaps we shouldn't waste it on things that don't make us happy. So what if you don't make the 1,000,000's you thought you would make. So what if you don't have the 24 room house you wanted to live in. Who cares if you only own 1 car every 15 years. Do what makes you happy and live each day for you.
