Yesterday, September 8th, 2013 marked my 5 Year "Anniversary"- if you will - with Cancer. The same set of emotions accompany me on this day every year. The first is, of course, Sadness. Sad that my life is a never ending cycle of tests and let-downs and struggles and my own personal Hell. This is followed by Relief. Relief that I'm still alive and healthy, to some sort of extent. Next comes the blanket of Anxiety that seems to frequent me way too often these days. The Anxious feelings weave their way in and out of all the other emotions that run their course throughout the day. Then comes the wave of Strength/Accomplishment. I try to hold onto this pair as best and long as I can, although this year it seemed almost impossible. I know I am proud of everything I've been able to overcome and withstand up until this point but Strength seems to be somewhat elusive nowadays. Finally, there's Fear. Fear of the unknown and even Fear of what I already know.
It's hard to explain how it is for me lately. Simple things I would normally be able to let roll off my shoulders aren't easy to do anymore. Ordinary, basic tasks overwhelm me and are extremely difficult for me to deal with at times. Something as foolish as getting lost or an appointment getting messed up or not being comfortable in my surroundings seems to set me off and I spiral out of control. And the worst part is that not everyone understands. I guess I can't expect people to get it. For the most part even I know I'm being unreasonable and a bit crazy. I just can't help it.
I started therapy again about a month ago and it helps to address certain issues to an unbiased ear. Of course, it hasn't really "fixed" me at all. It scares me to go through these crazy corkscrew twists and turns of emotions and not be able to control them. Especially since during these times I feel very alone...which hasn't always bothered me but now it's starting to.
I have been trying my best to get back into the take-one-day-at-a-time approach but again, everything just feels so overwhelming as of late that my mind seems to never shut the fuck up. One thing I did decide to do for myself which started today was a class in Equine and Canine Massage. People say animals are an incredible source of stress relief because they can sense your feelings and emotions. I am one of those people, and always have been. Even just today on my first day, I felt better. I'm hoping this outlet will be one I can continue to use.
As for me, now I begin my countdown to the next year with this fucking disease. Hopefully I will be able to look back as I'm reflecting on my 5th year as the most positive one yet. I guess I will find out when I'm seated in front of my computer in another 364 days.
