Some new updates in Erin's world: sneezing is still a bit difficult; although it's getting better. I've been able to complete more then not. Being that my allergies are always fun in the Summer, sneezing and blowing my nose go hand in hand with the season. While blowing my nose last week, I discovered another bizarre thing with my body which is difficult for me to describe in writing. It's basically as if my incision tightens up and twitches (?) whenever I blow my nose. Don't ask me. This whole recovery process has been a learning experience if there ever was one. The body is a curious thing. I know I will never underestimate mine moving forward.
This past Thursday, August 4th, I had my appointment with my Oncologist. I decided that since the only time I really go into NY anymore is for crappy doctor appointments, maybe this time I would start my day with something less threatening. My father and I went to MOMA (The Museum of Modern Arts) for a few hours before my appointment and it was definitely a good way to start the day. I was in better spirits then normal when they finally took me into my appointment - which was only running about 40 minutes late. Miracle of Jesus? I think so. You can tell I'm slightly happier then I normally am while waiting.
Although I asked probably every question I could think of, I'm still undecided...though I'm leaning toward doing the Trial (still). Tomorrow I plan on calling the doctor running the Study at Sloan to ask some additional questions that I believe he will be able to answer a little more thoroughly. One thing that I did find sort of fated when I asked my Oncologist to explain the Trial, is that it is only for Sarcoma patients whose Cancer metastasized to their lung and are now Cancer free.
When I explained my current situation to family and friends, the consensus was mixed. However, I think the only reason I'm really leaning towards doing the Trial is not only because it's something that I can contribute to society that is bigger then myself, but also because it seems like it was meant to be. There are only 134 participants in the entire country that are taking part in the Trial. Of these participants, they all had to have Sarcoma come back in one or both of their lungs, have had it removed and are now Cancer free. Plus, they all had to have this happen during this particular time frame, being that that Trial is starting at the end of this month. Am I wrong to feel like in some weird, star-aligned, cosmic kind of way it was meant to be? I don't think I'm too off-based to say that.
Late Friday night I was in the bathroom and took a look at my scar. I am still completely numb under my left arm and still have some numbness down towards my ribs and around to my back. I ran the back of my hand over the incision. It feels weird. As it's been healing it's been getting a little more feeling around the area but it's still desensitized quite a bit. The scar itself is kind of bumpy and of course, not very appealing to look at. I guess it all just hit me at once because a wave of nausea came over me and as I looked at myself in the mirror, the blood began to drain from my face and my lips turned blue. I stumbled back to my room and called out for my sleeping father to please bring me some orange juice before I passed out on my floor. It took over 10 minutes for the episode to subside. I'm no stranger to having this happen but normally it's when there's a needle involved. Nonetheless, they are never fun. I've decided that maybe I shouldn't look at my back for a while.
After I speak with the other doctor tomorrow, I will update my decision. Hopefully it'll be the right one.
tough decision definitely. i thought i was gonna know your decision through your blog! in support of whatever you choose. can't believe all this is happening and i haven't seen you! <3 <3 <3
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