What are we waiting for?

It's been a while since I wrote last and I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing. Perhaps it's good since I don't have any new and crappy things to say about myself. My ribs still hurt. My scar is still jaggedly placed on my upper back. I'm still "enrolled" in the Trial. I'm still slowly but surely regaining full use of my lungs. It still feels weird to take a deep breath. I'm still numb under my left arm and down around my side. Everything is still the same other then the fact that I guess I'm feeling a little emotional with all the news surrounding the recent passing of Apple co-founder, Steve Jobs.

Being on the Committee for my town's Relay For Life (largest fundraiser The American Cancer Society holds each year...look it up if you don't know what it is...it's amazing) every year I'm always utilizing the phrase that everyone has been touched by Cancer in some way. Whether a friend, relative, colleague, friend of a friend, or they themselves have the disease, everyone is affected by this killer in one way or another. It doesn't discriminate. Cancer attacks every race, gender, age, religion. Truly Good people...brilliant people...undeserving people...are beaten down by this disease each day. It's absolutely heartbreaking when you think about it.

Imagine a man who helped shaped the face of technology as we know it today - a visionary in his field - dying at the premature age of 56. I guess I just can't help but wonder what else he could've possibly done in his lifetime had his existence not been claimed by Cancer. Every day people are feeling the sting of being told You have Cancer yet we continue not to really live life. We continue to pollute our bodies with toxins. We continue to stay in relationships that make us unhappy. We continue to stay at jobs we hate. We continue to hold back telling people we love them because we're scared or hurt or have too much pride. We continue to just go through the motions instead of truly enjoying and living life to the absolute fullest. I know I'm as guilty as any with this reality. But why? What are we afraid of? What are we waiting for? It will be too late once we're dead.

I can honestly say that lately I've definitely been doing certain things a lot more then I used to. I sing at every chance I get. In the car. In my room. At work. In the shower. At the top of my lungs. Under my breath. Into a mic. Into a hairbrush. I almost lost something that means so much to me that I tear up just thinking about what could've been had something just gone slightly different during my surgery.

I go out more. I take more chances. I say yes more then I say no. I find myself out of my element a little more each day and find myself actually enjoying it. Maybe I'm finally beginning to realize life is more then just waking up, going to work, eating a boring meal, sitting in traffic, going to sleep. Yeah, maybe it sucks if I'm tired the next day but having a great time the night before with friends, laughing, savoring the simple pleasures this life can actually throw at you might be worth the heavy eyelids.

I've said many times that this fucked up disease hasn't changed me in many ways - especially the way I viewed the world. Maybe I was wrong. Lately I do seem to stare at the colors a sunset sky provides a little longer. I drive with the windows down to feel the breeze instead of worrying if it will mess up my hair. I'm late to work more often because I'll sit in my car in the parking lot to finish the end of a song I love to hear. They're not big changes. No one would even notice I'm any different - I barely do. But it's a start. It's something. Maybe it'll lead to something a little more significant and maybe it won't. Who knows. But it's something.