I Thought the 3rd Time Was Supposed To Be a Charm...

As I sit here on my bed, 1/3 in shock, 1/3 depressed and 1/3 so furious I want to run down the street with a baseball bat smashing anything breakable...I guess I just have to say flat out:

I FUCKING HAVE CANCER...AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, of course my mother keeps saying that we don't know "for sure" what's happening - but I know it is. There is a new nodule in my one lung and an existing one that grew in my other. I'm not sure which one is which. They're both small. But I guess life just had to throw it in BOTH instead of just one for shit's and giggles. Because why would I really only need to worry about one, right? Both would just be more fun!

All I know right now as I stare glassy eyed at this computer screen through my xanax fog of half awareness is that there are apparently a team of both old and new doctor's deciding what will be done to me now. Too bad it's not closer to Halloween because I feel like an appropriate costume choice would be "Lab Rat". Do they sell that in stores or would I have to create that selection myself, I wonder?

Most likely, my biggest nightmare through this whole Cancer bullshit is that I will have to wind up getting some form of chemo. I find it hard to believe they would decide on operating AGAIN when I just basically had a year's worth of surgeries and they would have to cut open both of my lungs instead of just one. But who knows.

Because it's Friday there are a few lovely things I need to add:

• Happy weekend to me!
• I will need to go through the whole weekend not knowing what my outcome will be (I feel as though this is always the case with me for some God forsaken reason).

This "team" of however many doctors who are deciding my fate will probably have some sort of conclusion for me by Tuesday. Yes, Tuesday. That's four days from now, in case you couldn't figure it out. Sooo...if you happen to call me, text me, see me, etc...and you ask me something like, "What are you doing tonight?" I might respond with something along the lines of, "I ate a pineapple for breakfast," being that my diet over the next four days will consist of alcoholic beverages, handfuls of xanax and most likely nothing else.

All I really have to say about all this is that I was seriously hoping for some sort of break...gap...lull...in this war against the Evil Big C. I'm two months shy of when this all started up for me again and although most of the people who know me would describe me as being strong, there comes a time when things just reeeeaally start to wear you down a bit. You know what I mean?

My last blog was all about the joys of having both sides of my body (still) aching from the last surgeries I had. Let's say they do decide to operate again...hmm. I'm just really wondering if they design specially made (semi-attractive) bra's for women with tits as big as mine that apparently can't seem to get rid of the fucking disease that's slowly eating away at my lungs little by little. Maybe this should be a new venture for me? "The Cancer Bra: For Well-Endowed Women Who Find Themselves Tugging Down the Band of Their Bra Due to Recent Surgery."

I think the thing I might be dreading the most about this whole ordeal (aside from losing these beautiful locks of hair on my head) is filing for Disability AGAIN!!! I don't know if I can handle it. Would someone like to be my personal Disability filer/follow-througher? Even if I don't need chemo I might wind up losing my hair from ripping it out if I have to deal with those morons for a THIRD time. Just sayin'.

Anyway, I was really really really fucking hoping to entitle this entry, "Cancer Free Again!" But clearly my life does not work in this way. So I'll part with words I've probably said a million times before..."Here we go again."