(Written July 18th, 2012)
I’m sure I’m not the only one that starts to be on edge a
few days, a week or even a few weeks before they find out some kind of life
changing news. Whether it be waiting for an Acceptance Letter to college,
finding out if you’re preg with a boy or girl, or awaiting some test results
that will affect the way you live from here on out, we always seem to feel that
twinge of uneasiness right before we hear the verdict. I’m not sure that I’ve
ever been more anxious or scared or nervous or manic then I’ve been the last
few days.
My CT’s are on Monday, July 23rd. Five days away.
Once I get the results I’ll find out if these injections have been working…or
if it was just another failed lab rat experiment. I’m actually scared about two
things: 1.) That this isn’t working and 2.) That it is. What’s the lesser of
two evils? If this isn’t working then it’s chemo for me…which we all know I’ve
been dreading since day 1. If it is working then it’s injections and side
effects and the fear of one day being riddled with the disease forever,
basically.
Obviously if it were up to me I would take the injections
over the alternative. It’s safe to say that really the only side effects (thus
far) have been hot flashes. Although it’s a little annoying to be sitting
somewhere completely fine and the next minute having to strip down to the bare
minimum whilst fanning yourself with the nearest makeshift item you can find
(and let me tell you, when it’s a few dollar bills, you don’t exactly get the
most accepting looks), I’ll take the weird body temperature changes instead of
some of the other daunting side effects menopause/Lupron brings on.
So now I guess you could say I’m a ticking time bomb of
sorts. I’ll be going about my business just fine and dandy and then WHAM! I
turn into Linda Blair from The Exorcist when her head is spinning around and
she’s spewing up green vile. It’s not a pretty sight and I feel bad for those
who have been in my path when that happens.
I should know by Tuesday or Wednesday of next week what life
will have in store for me and of course, I’m terrified. Not to mention for the
last two weeks my ribs on my left side under my boob feel as though I just
recently got surgery. What the fuck is that about? They’re killing me to the
point that I’ve once again declared The Bra my mortal enemy. They were hurting
at first but then went away a few days later. Then the pain returned and has
been with me since. It’s starting to make me nervous now. What the hell does
that mean? All that keeps running through my head is that there’s a giant tumor
pushing up against my ribs causing them to hurt.
From now until next week I’m sure I’ll be popping xanax like
jelly beans so be aware when you’re talking to me that if I have that blank,
glazed over stare, I’m most likely not hearing a damn word you’re saying.
No comments:
Post a Comment