12 Days and Counting...

I feel like I took a bit of a hiatus from posting. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because the last two months have been somewhat of a whirlwind in my personal life and I kind of forgot for a while that I'm still living in 3 month intervals. Well, the 3 months are almost up and my next appointment - which is perhaps my most important to date - is coming up in 12 days. It's scary.

On October 25th, 2012 I'll find out if the combination of both the Lupron and Letrozole are working...or not. If they are, it's 3 month intervals until they stop doing their job. If not, chemo...? I'm sure on the 24th when I'm laying on that slab of cold plastic with radiation being pumped through my body taking pictures of my insides, all I will be thinking about is how many hours, minutes, seconds it'll take to find out what they'll show. It's a horrible feeling. One that I'm sure too many people have felt many times.

My side effects have (thankfully) remained the same. It's hot flashes and mood swing central in Erin World. Could always be worse - I always try to remember that. I could look back at that list of nightmare-ish side effects and realize that practically all of them are worse then what I've had to deal with since I started on the Lupron. I am thankful for that, at least. I mean, I could've wound up with the fruity smelling breath for Pete's sake! Although, I've heard from a source that the scent of my breath isn't all that pleasant lately. I'm going to chalk this up to the meds and leave it at that.

One thing I've started trying to dive into is the wonderful world of Juicing. I like it! Clean up is a bitch (perhaps it's the Juicer I selected) but other then that and the fact that I have to take the garbage out daily because of the intense foul odor of the remains, I love it! I wouldn't exactly call myself a Juicing Extraodinaire just yet being that I don't really have any rhyme or reason to what I throw in there...but I do know that so far, I have not been turned off by the taste of any of my concoctions and the simple satisfaction it gives me that I'm loading my body up with natural vitamins makes the sting of my depleting bank account all the more worth while.

 

 

I had a bit of a running start that suddenly came to a jolting stop when I found out that kitchen appliances aren't very Erin-friendly. My first Juicer died on me from an unknown death (it was the second time I used it)...along with the garbage disposal who apparently choked on the remains of my pulp. Off to the store I went to try a cheaper (and easier to clean) Juicer, who decided to give up on life after the third veggie was thrown in. This wasn't a very good start to my new found love for juicing.

After a bunch of "Of COURSE this is happening to me!!!" tantrums, I returned back to the store and decided to give my first Juicer Model another shot. After having a brief peptalk with my new old Juicer, I was off and running once again. I'm hoping that now that we have an understanding, we can live in peace and juice forever. We shall see.

Aside from the juicing, I wanted and intended to try to go as Vegan as possible. However, those who know me know my main food enjoyments include seafood and cheese. I decided that a little Vegan was better then no Vegan so I will admit, I have been cheating...my affair with fish and seafood has continued. I AM trying to cut back whenever I can and substitute more veggies and fruit as much as possible. Every little bit can only help.

Along with the slight change of diet, I have started including exercise back into the mix. It's SO important and I have been neglecting it for too long. I remember when I was religiously at the gym at least 4 days a week. My body loved me for it and it's time to treat her the way she deserves once again. Plus it's a huge stress relief and Lord knows (lately especially) I have been teetering between the thin line of Sanity and Crazy Town.

When an important appointment is around the corner, the weeks and days leading up to it are always the worst emotionally for me. This time is no different. It doesn't help that for some reason I just have this bad feeling looming over me. Is it just my nerves or actual intuition? I'm obviously hoping for the nerves to win that battle. It's easy for everyone to tell you to stay positive when it's not them that's waiting to find out their fate. I always just smile and say, "I am".

These last few months since I started on the Letrozole have been both amazing and incredibly hard. I've been tested quite a few times emotionally and just when I thought I couldn't take anymore, I realized I could. It's incredible what you can conquer if you just keep pushing forward and believe in yourself. I'm trying to apply that logic to my health as best as I can. In the meantime, at least I know I can apply it to everything else in my life. Especially when you get a chance to witness some of the beauty this world has to offer. Yesterday I saw perhaps the most magnificent sky I've ever seen.

 

 

 

It makes you believe that Heaven must really exist. I was driving alone and couldn't help but pull over and just stare at it for a few minutes and smile. Moments like those are ones that I am finally beginning to appreciate more and more. Something so vast and impersonal suddenly feels like it was put there just for you. To have that feeling is great.

So - here I am. 12 days and counting until one of the most important days of my life, so far; to me, anyway. I have joked about D Day's in the past but this one - this Decision Day...Domination Day...anything but Defeat Day - is going to be one of the most emotional. I'm hanging onto the Hope that I always have. Hoping the nightmare might start coming to an end...or just Hoping I'll be able to handle it without the help of a Lobotomy.

I want to include something that was emailed to me a while back. I can say that I basically loathe "chain letter" emails but this one had a bit of a beautiful message. Till next time...

A friend of mine opened his wife's underwear drawer and picked up a silk paper- wrapped package:

'This, - he said - isn't any ordinary package.'

He unwrapped the box and stared at both the silk paper and the box.

'She got this the first time we went to New York , 8 or 9 years ago. She has never put it on , was saving it for a special occasion.

Well, I guess this is it.

He got near the bed and placed the giftbox next to the other clothing he was taking to the funeral house, his wife had just died.

He turned to me and said:

'Never save something for a special occasion.

Every day in your life is a special occasion'.

I still think those words changed my life.

Now I read more and clean less.

I sit on the porch without worrying about anything.

I spend more time with

my family, and less at work.

I understood that life should be a source of experience to be lived up to, not survived through.

I no longer keep anything.

I use crystal glasses every day...

I'll wear new clothes to go to the supermarket, if I feel like it.

I don't save my special

perfume for special occasions, I use it whenever I want to.

The words 'Someday....' and ' One Day...' are fading away from my dictionary.

If it's worth seeing, listening or doing, I want to see, listen or do it now....

I don't know what my friend's wife would have done if she knew she wouldn't be there the next morning, this nobody can tell.

I think she might have called her relatives and closest friends.

She might call old friends to make peace over past quarrels.

I'd like to think she would go out for Chinese, her favorite food.

It's these small things that I would regret not doing, if I knew my time had come.

Each day, each hour, each minute, is special.

Live for today, for tomorrow is promised to no-one.