It's back...Again.

Welp - today didn't go as I'd hoped/prayed. To be honest I don't even have the strength to discuss the hours of waiting around for my three appointments (as I am currently sedated on more then a few xanax...). But what I will say is that I got the third worst news of my life delivered by the nasty bitch doctor. The two nodules that were already in my right lung grew and now there's a third. Given my track record it's Cancer. Again. In my right lung this time.

I am so fucking upset.

Not only am I, of course, upset that it's back...but I'm upset that I fucking did this Trial and basically tortured myself for months only to now be removed from it because the Cancer is back. Gotta love it.

At first I was really mad because I just couldn't help but feel like I did all this bullshit for nothing but I mean, I guess it meant something. The whole thing just really fucking sucks. Like, hardcore. And the worst part is that I - AS USUAL - have to wait around to find out what's going to happen. Since my regular doctor wasn't there today to deliver the news, now I have to wait for her to call me to either schedule an appointment to discuss my options or tell me over the phone. I'm guessing she'll want me to come in like they always do.

The nasty doctor mentioned having the nodules biopsied, getting chemo or more surgery. The one slightly good piece of information is that the nodules aren't exactly super big so I'm praying by some grace of whatever God is out there that they'll be able to just remove them by some small type of surgery rather then the pure fucking HELL I had to endure the last time.

I am devastated. But I'm also starting to wonder what the bigger picture for me is. Will this ever end? Will I be doomed to constantly be wondering when, not if, it will come back? It's just another major stress I have to worry about.

Any positive thoughts, prayers, good vibes, whatever that can be sent my way, I'd sure appreciate it.
I just can't but help but feel...defeated. It's just like, how much is life going to load on me? I wish it would just give me some sort of break already. Again, I've never asked why this happened to me...why I had to be the one...but I just wish I could see what was going to happen with my future. Will I forever be dealing with this? How many scars am I going to wind up with? Not that I even give a shit about a few physical scars - I'm talking about the emotional ones. It's just the process of going through surgery or treatment or probing or prodding or healing. It all just fucking sucks. I was soo hoping that this Trial would possibly lead to something good. It's a smack in the face that it didn't.

Back to the drawing board.