D Day.

Well, the time is upon me. Tomorrow is the big day. It's 10:29pm as I'm writing this and all I can think about is that my surgery isn't until 2:15pm tomorrow. Like, could it get any worse? I guess it could have been scheduled for 5pm and then I'd REALLY be freaking out. The first thought that came to mind was that I couldn't eat or drink anything past midnight tonight. Is that slightly pathetic? I'm going to be starving! Good thing I ate a truck load of sushi tonight with some good friends.

Everyone has been asking how I've been feeling and telling me things are going to be ok. The thing that I guess no one understands is that I'm not concerned with the fact that I have Cancer again. Of course it's devastating news, that's not what I mean. I just mean that I KNOW I'll get through the having Cancer part and beat it...again. It's the recovery and hospital stay and endless needles and torture you have to endure that goes along with surgery. Especially a surgery as invasive as this. My last few surgeries sucked because I couldn't sit for 2+ weeks (not to mention not being able to have sex for DECADES - or so it felt like...) but this one...this one is going to suck some hairy balls. First of all, I hate hospitals. I hate how they smell. I hate people coming in to wake you up every 5 minutes to run some sort of blood work or tests or make you get up and walk around, etc. I hate wearing hospital gowns and having tubes sticking out of every possible body part (not to mention the wonderful tube that will be sticking out of my SPINE while I'm there...that will be fun...) you have. I hate hate HATE having a roommate - which seriously, whoever they stick me with could only pray they don't wind up with a mega-bitch like me in the bed next to them. I hate not having anyone there at night with me that I know. I basically just hate it all. It's a scary thing - even at my old age of 26.

People have been commenting that I just went skydiving last weekend and "how are you not afraid to jump out of a plane 10,000ft in the air but you're afraid of needles (or to be in the hospital alone)?" Um, perhaps because I CHOSE to do that. I think what sucks the most when you're diagnosed with something - no matter what it is - is that it's out of your control. I've heard many people ask, "why me?" when dealing with situations like this. I never have. I always felt that it was better me then someone I loved because I knew I could handle it. But what I DID always question was why it had to happen WHERE it happened...both the first time and now this time.

The two things I hated most when I was 23 were needles and OBGYN appointments. Ha. The two things I absolutely hated were the two things I was now constantly having to deal with. And now this - my LUNGS!? The most important thing other then my vocal chords that I need to sing is now infected with this malicious disease. Like, it couldn't be in my leg or something? If this isn't a test to see how much I can deal with before I crack, I don't know what is.

Anyway, my surgery is scheduled for 2:15pm tomorrow yet I have to be at the hospital at 11:15am. They said I could take A xanax in the morning but that's it. A SOLO xanax. Well all I can say is they better be prepared to be stuffing sedatives down my throat as soon as I step into that hospital because I'm going to be freaking the fuck out. It's kind of like they want you to suffer. Let's see how long we can wait to bring her into surgery before she goes postal...

So that's where I'm at. I've taken two xanax already tonight and it's now 11:07pm. I better stuff another pill in my face and eat something else - even though I feel like I'm going to explode from dinner. I'm not the most religious person in the world although I do pray quite often. My prayers for tonight will of course include all my loved ones and my normal, every day requests for a better world - but also to at least keep part of my left lung. That would be so amazing if they didn't take the whole thing. What would ALSO be amazing is that the nodule they remove from my pelvis isn't cancerous. A girl can only take so much.

Anyway, I'm trying to think happy thoughts. All I can think about when I say that is that old ass version of Peter Pan when Peter was played by a woman and they're dancing around the nursery saying, "think happy thoughts...think happy thoughts!" <-- clearly the xanax is starting to kick in. Tomorrow I'll be going to war with Cancer - as one of my good friends stated, I should walk in there with army paint on and a camaflouge hospital gown, haha! Too bad I wasn't allowed to bring my own.

See you all in 2-5 days (or more depending on my recovery time).