This is my lung machine - or at least that's what I call it. I'm supposed to do 10-15 exercises every hour to expand my lungs. I'm not sure who has the time to take a break every hour on the hour to do lung exercises but I've been trying my best. It's a little difficult when you work in an office with other people...especially when you work in an office with people who aren't really aware of your "situation". The other day I was sitting in the kitchen blowing into this device that looks like a Breathalyzer and a colleague from the Technical Division walks in and does a double-take at me. I could only imagine what he was thinking. Is she an alcoholic and the court system has decided that she needs to record her blood alcohol level daily? I just looked at him while my mouth was still on the nozzle and smiled as best I could. Yeah buddy, I'm an alcoholic. It's probably more believable then being a Cancer Patient. Needless to say he asked what the hell I was doing so then I had to go into the explanation of what the machine was and what it was supposed to do for me and blah blah blah.
I know a lot of people I've met that have been diagnosed have said that they don't tell people their story due to not wanting to be treated differently or the stigma that comes along with having Cancer. I feel completely different. I'm not afraid to say I have Cancer and I'm most definitely not afraid to tell them how it was found or where it has been or what I've had to go through. Honestly, I feel like it's more a badge of courage then anything else. Yeah, I've been through the trenches and look - I'm still the same me. My friends can attest to the lack of change in my sarcastic attitude and my general outlook on life. Cancer hasn't changed the way I view things. It hasn't made me look at life in a new light. I've just stayed the same.
My mother has mentioned to me in the past that she thought my outlook on life would've changed due to what I've experienced. Meaning that she figured I'd have this new, positive view that life is beautiful and whatever. I've always been pretty positive about my life and my experiences but it's not like after I was diagnosed I suddenly started getting all sappy and appreciative when I would see a rainbow or a sunset or a piece of cheesecake. I've always just taken it as this is a shitty thing that happened but shitty things happen all the time to everyone. It's just a part of life. Not to say that it's a bad thing if after something tragic happens to start seeing the good parts in life more then the bad. It's just never changed me like that.
I will say, however, that if this surgery affects my voice I might go nuts. You might find me locked up in a padded cell with no windows and my arms tied together, drooling on myself. I can say that perhaps I've started to appreciate my voice more so now then I ever have since I have a fear of losing it. Losing it or not sounding the same = the same thing to me. I might as well just not be able to speak if I start to sound differently when I sing. I'm sure some of you out there might find the humor in me never being able to speak again being that the normal volume of my voice is somewhat louder then most. Screw yourselves. I like how I sound. :)
Singing is something I've always loved to do and just something that perhaps I always took for granted. I can definitely say that in the last week I've been exhausting my poor vocal chords to the max. As we "speak" I sound like a man. While answering the phone at work people have been calling me Aaron instead of Erin, thinking that my office hired a new gentleman in place of the normal female staff. Thanks to some very special friends I've been making some slight guest appearances at local watering holes lately, trying to overload myself with performances being that I have no clue when the next time I can sing will be. Just last night I, along with some fabulous people (love you guys) were tearing up the streets of NY until 3am belting out tunes and dominating some famous piano bars (videos soon to follow). Needless to say the fact that I haven't fallen asleep at my desk as of yet is a small miracle.
Till next time.
No comments:
Post a Comment