Is That All There Is?

I think Peggy Lee said it best when she sang that song. There are times I really wonder to myself, is that all there is...to life, to work, to disease, to love, to everything...?

Approximately three weeks ago I found a lump behind my left knee slightly smaller then the size of a golf ball. If I didn't have Cancer I would've just let it go, thinking it was a cyst. But now every bump, lump, dark spot, erratic hair, flinch of pain, strange noise, weird sound, blah blah blah, I need to worry about. So we called my Oncologist. She ordered an ultrasound for a few days later.

As I was getting probed by a large Russian lady with wiry hair and velcro sneakers, she asked how long I've had the lump for. I told her I wasn't sure but I noticed it about a week prior. Of course I asked her if it looked bad to which she replied in her thick accent, "I'm not doctor, I only take picture."

She did both of my legs so when we walked out of the room, I turned the small screen to me and saw both legs, one with a fairly large looking oval shaped mass. Great.

The following day I got the kind of call no one wants - there was hard mass in the lump so I needed to get an MRI to be sure. I already knew what the outcome was going to be. The lump in my leg feels just like the one I had in my vag years ago. This blows.

The MRI showed the same thing. It's a tumor.

If LMS wasn't so common to show up in limbs I might be a little more on the positive side but being that I learned all about the new advances in prosthetics and replacement joints and bones and whatnot during my last Sarcoma Conference, I'm pretty sure I can say this fucking shit is back and now inhabiting the area right below the crease on the back of my left leg.

What. The. Fuck.

I can't help but sometimes wonder if this is all my life is going to be. A series of doctor visits and surgeries and treatments. I freakin' hope not but the last (almost) two YEARS have proven to be a practically nonstop medical nightmare.

Tomorrow I'm meeting my fourth doctor at Sloan - an Orthopedic Surgeon. I've been joking that I'll have a doctor on every fucking floor of that place soon enough. It's slightly comical. I know I should be thankful I'm at a great hospital but to be quite honest, if I never set foot inside that Building of Doom again, I will be one freakishly happy woman.

Seeing as though a little over a month ago my meds were shrinking my lung tumors, I'm kind of stumped and, well, pissed the fuck off, that out of nowhere this lovely disease has now decided to make an appearance in my fucking leg. And, of course, with all the wonderful thoughts racing around my head, I can't help but drive myself almost over the edge wondering how little, or much, this doctor is going to have to remove.

With my incredibly backwards life, I'm seeing this doctor at 12pm and then getting a PET Scan at 6pm. Joy. A six hour gap. Not to mention the waiting period of the time between the test and the results to find out if it's anywhere else! Yay!

I'm obviously hoping (praying, wishing, begging...) that this will be a simple removal and I'll be back on my feet in no time. However, who the hell knows anymore! I'm getting pretty tired of this bullshit - not gonna lie. If this is all there is then maybe I should just get over it and break out the booze and have a party, as the song suggests. Maybe that's my best bet to staying sane.

As I sit here and listen to delightfully, matter of fact delivery of this wonderful song, I figured I'd share it with you. Let's keep dancing, my friends. Let's keep fucking dancing.



Is That All There Is?

I remember when I was a very little girl, our house caught on fire.
I'll never forget the look on my father's face as he gathered me up
in his arms and raced through the burning building out to the pavement.
I stood there shivering in my pajamas and watched the whole world go up in flames.
And when it was all over I said to myself, "Is that all there is to a fire?"

Is that all there is, is that all there is
If that's all there is my friends, then let's keep dancing
Let's break out the booze and have a ball
If that's all there is

And when I was 12 years old, my father took me to the circus, the greatest show on earth.
There were clowns and elephants and dancing bears
And a beautiful lady in pink tights flew high above our heads.
And as I sat there watching the marvelous spectacle
I had the feeling that something was missing.
I don't know what, but when it was over,
I said to myself, "Is that all there is to a circus?"

Is that all there is, is that all there is
If that's all there is my friends, then let's keep dancing
Let's break out the booze and have a ball
If that's all there is

Then I fell in love, with the most wonderful boy in the world.
We would take long walks by the river or just sit for hours gazing into each other's eyes.
We were so very much in love.
Then one day, he went away. And I thought I'd die -- but I didn't.
And when I didn't I said to myself, "Is that all there is to love?"

Is that all there is, is that all there is
If that's all there is my friends, then let's keep dancing

I know what you must be saying to yourselves.
If that's the way she feels about it why doesn't she just end it all?
Oh, no. Not me. I'm in no hurry for that final disappointment.
For I know just as well as I'm standing here talking to you,
when that final moment comes and I'm breathing my lst breath, I'll be saying to myself,

Is that all there is, is that all there is
If that's all there is my friends, then let's keep dancing
Let's break out the booze and have a ball
If that's all there is