Yes.

The question was always, "Should I Shave It?" The answer has become "Yes."

Last weekend I took the plunge. It wasn't easy. I was talking one day about how I hadn't started losing my hair yet and legit that SAME night, there it went. It wasn't in clumps like I had heard horror stories about - it was just enough to know that it had begun.

A few days later I was still losing it and losing more of it and my worst nightmare of looking like a "Cancer Patient" was becoming a reality. Was I really going to lose my hair? I couldn't believe it had come to this. The annoying part is that I was actually looking forward to losing it everywhere else. No more shaving? That had to be a dream come true! But guess what?? My head is the only place I was losing it. How unfair is that?

It was Saturday, April 30th and I was having a meltdown - not wanting to look the way I felt. I finally ran downstairs, got a pair of scissors and cut off a huge chunk right in the front of my head. I continued until I looked like a beauty school classmate had gone rogue.

I shaved my husband's head first just to see what number the buzzer should be on...then it was my turn. It took a long time being that we had to buzz through the clumps of existing hair, but it ended up even and when I turned to look at myself, it wasn't all that bad. I thought it would be worse than it was.

Now every day I feel like I have that phantom limb thing where I wake up and try to put my hair in a ponytail, only to remember I don't have hair anymore. I'm still getting "used to it," that's if I'll ever actually get used to looking like GI Jane.

My mom, husband and I tried going to a wig store before I shaved it off and that was just a nightmare. I think it was more traumatizing to go there than to actually shave it off. Having fake hair on a head with no hair just isn't for me. But now I'm worried what I will look like when the rest of it falls out. What I'll look like with a bic'd head. It doesn't seem all that attractive to me - on me. I'm just hoping it goes by quickly.

Tomorrow is my last chemo. Then the following week I'll have scans to know what is going on. I'm so nervous and this is probably the most frightened I've ever been in my little life. I'm not ready for it to be "time" yet. But what other options do I have? So for now, I guess I'll just say, "Fuck Cancer" because really, FUCK CANCER.