My Last Blog.

To everyone whose come in and out of my life –

The time has come to say goodbye. I never thought it would be so soon but I guess God had different plans.

There have been so many of you that have affected my life in the most positive way, and I wanted to say THANK YOU. Thank you for bringing me joy till I thought my smile couldn’t get any bigger. Thank you for making me laugh till it hurt. Thank you for showing me what love is. Thank you for being there, for supporting me, for encouraging me, for teaching me, for holding me up, for guiding me, for EVERYTHING. Each of you made me who I was.  Thank you for allowing me in, for letting me be a part of your lives, for giving me the chance to love you. Each and every one of you has affected my life in a positive way. You made me, me. And for the longest time, I was so happy with what my life looked like.

Although this disease has finally “won,” I want you to know I never gave up. I continued to fight until the end.  And I did it for all of you. You have all given me so much; I wanted to show you I could do it, to make you proud to call me a friend.

I want you to know that I lived without regret. I loved strong and loved many. I can say that I’ve seen so many beautiful parts of this world that I will always take with me. I can say that I have SO many memories that have kept me going, kept me smiling and most of all, kept me fighting.  Do I wish I was able to stay longer? Of course. Who doesn’t? But it seems that it just isn’t the way things turned out to be.

I will take a part of each of you with me and I will cherish it for eternity. Life is what you make of it, and I want all of you to make your lives everything you always wanted it to be.

Please don’t pity or feel bad for me. Stepping back, I can see that I had everything I always wanted. And you were all a part of that.

Thank you. I love you.

 

With all my heart and soul,

    Erin

The Time Has Come.

Being on Hospice for 6 days becomes even scarier when you're told you have days to weeks until the time has come.

The last 2 weeks have been such a whirlwind I honestly don't even remember them. Tuesday, May 24th I was home in WV when I woke up feeling like I was super bloated. The next day my stomach was so bloated feeling that I looked preg and felt like it was going to explode. I kept calling my doctor but they said unless I was throwing up there was nothing that could be done. Welp, Friday the 27th I started puking like the chick from The Exorcist. Just tons and tons of green liquid bile.

Dan and I wound up leaving for Jersey that night around 10pm, not knowing what the next day would bring. I think as we pulled down the driveway I just knew that would be the last time I'd ever see my house.

We went to the ER at NYU that Saturday, the 28th where my scans showed my mass had grown again and was pushing on my stomach even more, blocking it. There were so many things being thrown around but they finally came to the conclusion that a tube had to be placed in my stomach, down through my nose, in order to drain the bile and any other fluid. It was horrific. Finally, 2 days later by some Grace of God, a team of other doctors said they would be able to place one directly in my stomach which would be connected to a bag to be drained. Anything would be better than to have some giant tube down the back of my throat into my stomach.

Once that was done and we found out nothing more could be done for me, I was moved to St Peter's University Hospital Hospice Oncology Ward on Saturday, June 4th. Since I was coming to terms with not being able to fulfill a normal Bucket List, riding in an ambulance with the lights on was added. Let me tell you - ambulances SUCK. I had JUST had this tube installed in my stomach and the whole hour ride from NYU to St Peter's was filled with bumps and dips and pain and white-knuckled hands. Let's just say I won't be looking forward to any other rides going forward.

So anyway, here is where I have remained since they brought me. Because of this tube, I've only been allowed to have clear broths, so I haven't been able to eat...ANYTHING. It SUCKS royally. I figured once the end came I'd at least be able to pig out on every and anything I could possibly want since I was so diligent but noooooooooooo. Why give me that??! I can feel myself becoming weaker and more tired. It's scary.

This whole thing is scary. I'm scheduled to move to my mom's house on Monday so hopefully that goes smoothly and I'll at least be able to spend the end at home and not in some hospital room. It's just hard to imagine that this is Life. I try to look back and remember how incredibly AMAZING my life was up until this point and I can at least say that it really was. I travelled, I loved, I sang, I did some life changing things...I had a wonderful childhood with amazing parents and awesome friends. My Life has been incredible - I just wish it was longer.

All I can say for now is, please continue to pray for me - not to be cured because that's obviously not happening, but for peace. Peace of mind while I deal with whatever lies ahead. The unknown is the scariest part of this whole thing and while I'm doing my best to allow God to take the wheel, it's so incredibly terrifying.

Thank you for the unconditional support, messages, love, positive thoughts and prayers now and for the last almost 8 years. I would've never made it this far without all of you.