My Decision.

Today I decided that I was going to do the Clinical Trial.

Am I happy about this decision? Not really...especially when I think about all the freakin needles I'm going to be getting. Do I think I made the right decision? Yes.

Have you ever just taken a step back from your life and really come to terms with the fact that you've never done anything that really meant something? I've always been searching for something that I could really be proud of myself for. Not that I'm not proud of all the accomplishments I've achieved thus far in my life - but it's different. They were all things that I did for me. That made my life better. I feel like by doing this, I'm sacrificing my comfort and my time and a good chunk of my life for a cause greater then myself. That really means something to me and maybe because I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, I got this disease in order to help aid in the fight against it. Who knows.

What I do know is that while these next 84 weeks go by, I'm going to be thinking to myself, damn it Erin, why did you agree to do this! I mean, just the initial pre-Trial appointments alone are enough to drive a person to drink (which they told me I should take it easy on while receiving the vaccinations...grreeeaaattt). I go this coming Monday, August 15th, for my CT Scans, blood work and Consent Signing. But this is the fun part: My CT Scans are at 8:40am (meaning I'll have to be there no later then 7:40am) at one location. After I'm done getting pumped with radiation and my first set of needles and a giant, bad, dull-liquid-jello-tasting Contrast drink, I get to go to a second location to get my blood work. Here is where the anxiety will really set in when they put that thing that sounds and feels like a deflated balloon around my arm (I already want to puke), feel for a vein (I'm legit gagging as I type this)...and do the rest of whatever they do (I have to stop thinking about it because I don't have the money to buy myself another laptop when I barf on this one). By this point in the game I'm normally crying, holding my breath, on the verge of passing out and squeezing whoever's hand decided to come with me that day, practically to the point of breaking a few small bones. After I'm done with this wonderful juncture of my day, I get to move to a third location to (most likely) wait for at least 2 hours past the point of my scheduled time (since apparently being on time at Sloan is completely unheard of) to sign my Consent Form with my Oncologist. She physically has to see me do this in order for me to move forward with the Trial. I mean, could they make it a little more difficult?

Provided everything comes back normal with my CT's and blood work, I will begin my first round of vaccinations on Thursday, August 18th. I will need to go for three consecutive weeks in the beginning, so my following appointment would be on the 25th and then on September 1st. However, they will  need to figure something else out for that third week because I will be boarding a flight to Miami with my ladies...which is MUCH needed and even more deserved. Following the next three weeks, my vaccinations, CT's, blood work and doctor appointments will be on a set schedule, jumping every few weeks.

If it's possible, I think I'm equally dreading the amount of time I'm going to have to devote to this as much as the amount of needles I will be receiving. Like, way to take over my life, Cancer. I just really hope this leads to something great that I can say I was a part of. According to one of the nurses of the doctor running the Trial, the 40 or so people who have been in the Trial for a year (or more) have had no signs of Cancer return (which, by the way, I was thrilled to hear that people have already been going through the process and I'm not one of the first experiments). I'm one of the lucky ones who had a less aggressive strain of Cancer this last time but there are people in this Study who have gotten the disease much more frequently then I have. It makes me a little hopeful since none of them have yet to have any recurrences.

Am I worried about the future of my health? Yes. Am I nervous I'll have reproductive challenges in the future? Yes. Do I feel like I'm going to wind up having to pay a ridiculous amount of money out of my (dust-filled) pocket for something that I don't want to do? Yes. Am I dreading going into the city 50 times for things I absolutely loathe doing? Yes. Do I fucking hate this disease with a passion? Yes. But I still feel like this is something I need to do and if I don't I will always think back to myself that I should have done it.

I just really hope this is the right decision.