As the end of 2011 draws near, I can't help but think to myself, GOOD RIDDANCE. Each year comes with it's up and downs but for me, I feel as though 2011 was one big slippery, slimy, unsatisfactory ride down. I'm hoping that the start of a new year will bring the start of some good/positive things.
On that note, I'd like to reflect on the good that is in my life. This year has brought along some positive things as well as the not-so-great. New friends, the rekindling of old ones, family, a deeper respect for those that help to make the world a better place and I guess a deeper respect for myself.
This year above all, I've come to learn that when faced with traumatic issues, there are always people - whether you know them or not - willing to lend a supportive hand. It's crazy. The amount of kind gestures and words of encouragement that surrounded me this year is something I will never forget. It always surprises me when people take the time to express their emotions for someone they barely know.
We watch the news, look out our windows, at work, at school, in the home...their are negative things happening around the world at all times. Sometimes you get so caught up in the bad that you forget there is still good out there. This year has shown me there are many kind souls still left in the world and that maybe we should stop focusing so much on all the bad.
Bad things are going to happen constantly throughout life - but hey, that's life, no? If everything was great all the time we would never be able to realize that maybe we should be thankful for what we do have - instead of what we don't.
Don't get me wrong - I'd still like to live in a bigger house, make a more comfortable salary, not have to worry if Cancer's ugliness will be staring me down once again...but maybe I shouldn't worry so much about the little things. About the person driving 20 miles under the speed limit in front of me. About the line at the store that wraps around the building. About that friend of a friend of a friend whose 47 minute story could've been told in a matter of 2.8 minutes.
Maybe we should look at the "bad" little things that annoy us every day as a way of whatever force is out there, telling us to slow down and just realize that this is your life. You've only got one of it. Why not try to enjoy it and make the most of it?
I could've done without most of the events that took place in 2011 but I could only hope that 2012 has some better things in store. And if not...if this year will be a repeat of last year, then at least I know I can handle it. I've faced many of life's emotional let-downs this year and had no problem telling them to fuck off. I guess I could have the same mentality this year...
To all my friends, family, readers...have a Safe, Healthy, Happy New Year and I look forward to sharing more of life's experiences - both good and bad - with all of you in 2012.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Merry Christmas To All.
As I sit here on Christmas Eve writing out my Christmas cards, I can't help but reflect on a few things. Unfortunately, this year's holiday season isn't too joyous. Aside from receiving the news that I have Cancer again and need surgery again, my Grandma passed away yesterday morning. It was so unexpected too...which I guess is the saddest part.
I will say that although it's so heart wrenching that she's gone, in a way I'm thankful. She broke her hip years ago and became bed-ridden after that, causing her to be in that bed for 6 years already. That's no way to live. However, she was well taken care of and seemed to be somewhat content...although her mind has been going lately. I think it was actually partly because of her that she started believing she just took a walk on the beach or cooked dinner for everyone. She went to a happy and pleasant place in her mind and went there quite often. However, most of the time she knew who we were and had conversations with us about our lives.
One time a year or so ago she asked if I was engaged yet (ha). When I told her that no, I wasn't and that I was still single, she went on to tell me about the kind of man I should wait for. She insisted that I only choose a truly "good" man - someone genuine of heart. It was a lovely conversation and one I will never forget.
Throughout my Grandma's life, I've always known her to be religious. She attended church every Sunday, helped with the church bingo, donated quite a lot of her time and money over the years, and always kept (and prayed it every day) a Rosary on her. If anyone was to go to Heaven, it would be her. The last 6 years she's been confined to her bed the bulk of her time was spent praying. It's incredible to see someone so devoted to their religious beliefs. My mother believes that my small "miracles" of sorts (how I found the Cancer initially, getting it removed when I was told I didn't have to, having it stay away for almost 3 years, only having the tumor removed in my left lung instead of losing the whole thing, etc.) are in part due to her praying for me so much. Although my mother never told her outright that I had Cancer, she informed her that I was ill and needed surgery when it came down to the times I was diagnosed and for her to pray for me. I already know my Grandma didn't need to be told to pray for me because I know she always did - but maybe she prayed a little extra during those times.
The night of the 22nd my mother and aunt received a call that my Grandma was breathing weird and was vomiting. They stayed all night but she seemed to be doing better in the morning - talking, holding down food, etc. All of a sudden her breathing got heavy and weird again and within a matter of a half hour or less, she was gone. I'm glad it was quick and hopefully as painless as possible. It was just super unexpected. She was fine up until two nights ago. I guess it was just her time.
The whole thing just reminds me that life is a fragile thing and it's up to you to choose how you want to live it. Because she was so extremely kind and giving, she devoted her time to praying for the well being of others. How selfless.
I know she is definitely up in whatever Heaven there is, seated extremely close to God or whatever Higher Power we have up there. I know she is still praying for me and I feel comfort in knowing I have someone like her on my side.
Merry Christmas to all. Hopefully I will be able to move past the negative things surrounding my holiday season and be thankful for my life and the good that is in it.
I will say that although it's so heart wrenching that she's gone, in a way I'm thankful. She broke her hip years ago and became bed-ridden after that, causing her to be in that bed for 6 years already. That's no way to live. However, she was well taken care of and seemed to be somewhat content...although her mind has been going lately. I think it was actually partly because of her that she started believing she just took a walk on the beach or cooked dinner for everyone. She went to a happy and pleasant place in her mind and went there quite often. However, most of the time she knew who we were and had conversations with us about our lives.
One time a year or so ago she asked if I was engaged yet (ha). When I told her that no, I wasn't and that I was still single, she went on to tell me about the kind of man I should wait for. She insisted that I only choose a truly "good" man - someone genuine of heart. It was a lovely conversation and one I will never forget.
Throughout my Grandma's life, I've always known her to be religious. She attended church every Sunday, helped with the church bingo, donated quite a lot of her time and money over the years, and always kept (and prayed it every day) a Rosary on her. If anyone was to go to Heaven, it would be her. The last 6 years she's been confined to her bed the bulk of her time was spent praying. It's incredible to see someone so devoted to their religious beliefs. My mother believes that my small "miracles" of sorts (how I found the Cancer initially, getting it removed when I was told I didn't have to, having it stay away for almost 3 years, only having the tumor removed in my left lung instead of losing the whole thing, etc.) are in part due to her praying for me so much. Although my mother never told her outright that I had Cancer, she informed her that I was ill and needed surgery when it came down to the times I was diagnosed and for her to pray for me. I already know my Grandma didn't need to be told to pray for me because I know she always did - but maybe she prayed a little extra during those times.
The night of the 22nd my mother and aunt received a call that my Grandma was breathing weird and was vomiting. They stayed all night but she seemed to be doing better in the morning - talking, holding down food, etc. All of a sudden her breathing got heavy and weird again and within a matter of a half hour or less, she was gone. I'm glad it was quick and hopefully as painless as possible. It was just super unexpected. She was fine up until two nights ago. I guess it was just her time.
The whole thing just reminds me that life is a fragile thing and it's up to you to choose how you want to live it. Because she was so extremely kind and giving, she devoted her time to praying for the well being of others. How selfless.
I know she is definitely up in whatever Heaven there is, seated extremely close to God or whatever Higher Power we have up there. I know she is still praying for me and I feel comfort in knowing I have someone like her on my side.
Merry Christmas to all. Hopefully I will be able to move past the negative things surrounding my holiday season and be thankful for my life and the good that is in it.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
A Little Story of Faith.
As I celebrated my 27th birthday on Saturday, 12/17, I couldn't help but feel a sense of Faith because of something that recently happened to me. On my way home from work on Friday, 12/16, my good friend asked me to stop by her work because she had something she's been meaning to give to me. When I arrived she pulled out a small bag with a small pendant in it. She told me a mutual friend of ours gave it to her to give to me. As she explained what it was and what it meant, I couldn't believe what I was hearing.
For those who know me well, you know I'm not a very religious person. I do believe there is a God - a Higher Power. I pray. I believe He watches over us and I pray for my loved ones and myself. But I would consider myself more spiritual then religious. I don't attend church, I don't read the Bible, I don't believe that if you commit a small sin that you sit in Purgatory for however long it takes to get up to Heaven. I feel that if you are really a good person, God will know. However, I couldn't help but be in slight awe of what I was holding in my hand.
The pendant in my palm was passed along to me by someone who has been through quite enough trials and tribulations that it's hard to believe he wouldn't want to keep it for himself. This pendant was blessed by Mother Teresa herself - and so was he.
How incredible is that? The woman was Canonized as a SAINT for crying out loud. The very meaning of the canonization of a saint is that the Pope, the Supreme authority in the Catholic Church, declares that a person practiced heroic virtue and lived in fidelity to God's grace, is with God in Heaven and is to be venerated throughout the whole Church. It's crazy when you think about it.
Just the idea that someone who really doesn't need to think nor care about anyone's problems but his own - to give up something so meaningful and just Awesome. How selfless for someone to give it to someone else because they feel that person needs it more then them. It's just amazing and I was completely honored to receive it.
It's really comforting to know that good people who put others before themselves still exist in the world. I know most people wouldn't want to give something that was blessed by a Saint to someone else to keep...especially when they could use the blessing for themselves. It's that kind of spirit that really makes you think about the true meaning of this time of the year.
Happy Holiday's, everyone.
For those who know me well, you know I'm not a very religious person. I do believe there is a God - a Higher Power. I pray. I believe He watches over us and I pray for my loved ones and myself. But I would consider myself more spiritual then religious. I don't attend church, I don't read the Bible, I don't believe that if you commit a small sin that you sit in Purgatory for however long it takes to get up to Heaven. I feel that if you are really a good person, God will know. However, I couldn't help but be in slight awe of what I was holding in my hand.
The pendant in my palm was passed along to me by someone who has been through quite enough trials and tribulations that it's hard to believe he wouldn't want to keep it for himself. This pendant was blessed by Mother Teresa herself - and so was he.
How incredible is that? The woman was Canonized as a SAINT for crying out loud. The very meaning of the canonization of a saint is that the Pope, the Supreme authority in the Catholic Church, declares that a person practiced heroic virtue and lived in fidelity to God's grace, is with God in Heaven and is to be venerated throughout the whole Church. It's crazy when you think about it.
Just the idea that someone who really doesn't need to think nor care about anyone's problems but his own - to give up something so meaningful and just Awesome. How selfless for someone to give it to someone else because they feel that person needs it more then them. It's just amazing and I was completely honored to receive it.
It's really comforting to know that good people who put others before themselves still exist in the world. I know most people wouldn't want to give something that was blessed by a Saint to someone else to keep...especially when they could use the blessing for themselves. It's that kind of spirit that really makes you think about the true meaning of this time of the year.
Happy Holiday's, everyone.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
"Happy" Birthday to Me.
I received a call on Monday stating that my lung doctor wanted to see me to discuss surgery options and that he could "squeeze" me in on Wednesday at 10:45am. If I decided on surgery, I would not need to meet with my Oncologist but if I decided against it, I would then meet with her to go over whatever other options I had. Because I already knew those other "options" were to either A.) do nothing or B.) get hormonal treatment, I figured my only real option was surgery.
I was finally seen around 12:30pm. My life now seems to revolve around the amount of time I waste waiting for appointments.
When my lung doctor walked in I (jokingly) told him that I never wanted to see him again...especially not this soon after my surgery. He smiled and began to go over what was happening. What I like about him is that he shows me my scans so I can see what he's actually talking about.
He showed me my most recent scans of my right lung, along with the scans of my left lung when they found the tumor the last time. It's without question that the one in my left lung was legit like 90% larger then the ones in my right lung. And actually, there's only one real tumor right now - the second one is questionable. From looking at the scans I could see how the real one grew and how the other one was still a bit hazy and unclear. He said that when I was in surgery he would remove the second one if he felt that it needed to be removed.
There are a few good things and a few bad things. The first good piece of news is that I apparently always had these small masses - so they are not new metastises. That is actually great, not good, news. Because I already had them, it means that new Cancer has not appeared. The bad news is the location of the first tumor. It is located right near a vein and will be difficult to remove. Of course! Because not only do I have to live with Cancer...but I have to live with difficult Cancer. It's always in spots that are not desirable.
He said that the surgery could go one of two ways:
1.) He will first attempt to go in laparoscopically with a camera and remove the masses. This is obviously the more desirable type of surgery. The recovery time would probably only be a few weeks, I would have a CRAZY significant amount LESS scaring on my body and would most likely only be in the hospital for one night. Not to mention that my ribs would never be touched causing basically no pain for months and months afterwards - like I still have from my surgery in June.
2.) He won't be able to cut out the tumor around the vein and will need to perform the same surgery as last time - only with a slightly smaller incision.
Obviously I will be totally devastated if it's the latter. I know I'm strong and can handle quite a bit but I really don't know if I could go through that torture AGAIN. It'll be basically 6 months to the day (give or take a few days) since they operated on my left lung and now I'll have to go through the same fucking bullshit but on my right side?! I'll never be able to wear a bra again!
I'm already in pain every day (granted it's tolerable but it's still extremely uncomfortable) on my left side. I couldn't even imagine having BOTH sides of my body totally sore, numb, uncomfortable, etc. Just the thought of it makes me so angry. I can't believe this is happening again.
Naturally I told him that if he really wanted to give me a good birthday present, he would do everything in his power to remove this shit laparoscopically...and save my tattoo as much as he could. That's right. He will have to go in right where my tattoo is on my right side. Great. I'm glad I suffered through a huge rib piece for hours only to have it mutilated by unwanted surgery. Note where the arrow is:
Yeah. Not a happy lady over here.
After I signed all the consent forms, cried, gave my doctor one last pleading effort to do everything he could to make me not have to go through what I went through the last time...I was on my way out of the office and onto do all the pre-surgery crap. Again.
The last time I had to do the Pulmonary testing the idiot girl who was doing it was legit poking around trying to find my artery for 5 minutes before I cursed her out and told her if she stabbed me one more time I was going to flip out on her. Lucky for me, this time I had someone who knew what they were doing. And she was quick to inform me that the girl who did it the last time was no longer employed at Sloan. Great! Glad I could be the pin cushion.
Since I've been basically getting exposure treatment while being in the Trial with all the needles I had to endure, I'm much more confident that I won't pass out with blood work. This was totally different. Because they have to extract blood from the artery and not the vein, they need to go in super deep. Ew. I'm about to puke while typing this. All I'm going to say is that I almost passed out. The blood drained from my face and things were getting foggy. Two cups of orange juice and 10 minutes of rest and I was ok to blow into the lung machine thing. My mom said she was watching the screen as I did my tests and my lungs were so strong the cursor practically shot off the screen. Ha. All I can say is that my wrist hurts today and it looks like I got bit by a spider.
After the Pulmonary Tests I waited again until they took me to do all the pre-surgery vitals and EKG and whatnot. More blood work was involved but I was fine. The only thing that kept running through my mind was that I could not believe I was going through this again...such a short time after my last surgery. It just really fucking sucks.
My surgery is scheduled for January 3rd, 2012. I guess I wanted to be able to semi enjoy my birthday, Christmas and New Years without being in pain. The shitty thing is that I really can't enjoy my New Years as much as I'd like to since I can't drink or even take freakin' vitamins a week before my surgery. I guess I'll be ringing in the New Year sober...not like that's a major issue. But being around drunk people when you're not drunk isn't exactly the most fun you'll ever have. Oh well.
The only other thing that really blows is the fact that I'll be 27 in two days and it's like I'm not even excited for it. The only thing I keep thinking about is the impending doom I'm going to have to face in a few weeks. Not to mention the fact that once again I won't know what's happening until I wake up from surgery. I won't know if I'll be shacked up in my house for a few weeks or a few months. I won't know if I'll be in crazy pain with tubes coming out every which way and in the hospital for 5 days. I won't know if I'll be facing a miserable healing process or if it'll be a piece of cake. It sucks - not to know. That, I think, is the worst part.
I was finally seen around 12:30pm. My life now seems to revolve around the amount of time I waste waiting for appointments.
When my lung doctor walked in I (jokingly) told him that I never wanted to see him again...especially not this soon after my surgery. He smiled and began to go over what was happening. What I like about him is that he shows me my scans so I can see what he's actually talking about.
He showed me my most recent scans of my right lung, along with the scans of my left lung when they found the tumor the last time. It's without question that the one in my left lung was legit like 90% larger then the ones in my right lung. And actually, there's only one real tumor right now - the second one is questionable. From looking at the scans I could see how the real one grew and how the other one was still a bit hazy and unclear. He said that when I was in surgery he would remove the second one if he felt that it needed to be removed.
There are a few good things and a few bad things. The first good piece of news is that I apparently always had these small masses - so they are not new metastises. That is actually great, not good, news. Because I already had them, it means that new Cancer has not appeared. The bad news is the location of the first tumor. It is located right near a vein and will be difficult to remove. Of course! Because not only do I have to live with Cancer...but I have to live with difficult Cancer. It's always in spots that are not desirable.
He said that the surgery could go one of two ways:
1.) He will first attempt to go in laparoscopically with a camera and remove the masses. This is obviously the more desirable type of surgery. The recovery time would probably only be a few weeks, I would have a CRAZY significant amount LESS scaring on my body and would most likely only be in the hospital for one night. Not to mention that my ribs would never be touched causing basically no pain for months and months afterwards - like I still have from my surgery in June.
2.) He won't be able to cut out the tumor around the vein and will need to perform the same surgery as last time - only with a slightly smaller incision.
Obviously I will be totally devastated if it's the latter. I know I'm strong and can handle quite a bit but I really don't know if I could go through that torture AGAIN. It'll be basically 6 months to the day (give or take a few days) since they operated on my left lung and now I'll have to go through the same fucking bullshit but on my right side?! I'll never be able to wear a bra again!
I'm already in pain every day (granted it's tolerable but it's still extremely uncomfortable) on my left side. I couldn't even imagine having BOTH sides of my body totally sore, numb, uncomfortable, etc. Just the thought of it makes me so angry. I can't believe this is happening again.
Naturally I told him that if he really wanted to give me a good birthday present, he would do everything in his power to remove this shit laparoscopically...and save my tattoo as much as he could. That's right. He will have to go in right where my tattoo is on my right side. Great. I'm glad I suffered through a huge rib piece for hours only to have it mutilated by unwanted surgery. Note where the arrow is:
Yeah. Not a happy lady over here.
After I signed all the consent forms, cried, gave my doctor one last pleading effort to do everything he could to make me not have to go through what I went through the last time...I was on my way out of the office and onto do all the pre-surgery crap. Again.
The last time I had to do the Pulmonary testing the idiot girl who was doing it was legit poking around trying to find my artery for 5 minutes before I cursed her out and told her if she stabbed me one more time I was going to flip out on her. Lucky for me, this time I had someone who knew what they were doing. And she was quick to inform me that the girl who did it the last time was no longer employed at Sloan. Great! Glad I could be the pin cushion.
Since I've been basically getting exposure treatment while being in the Trial with all the needles I had to endure, I'm much more confident that I won't pass out with blood work. This was totally different. Because they have to extract blood from the artery and not the vein, they need to go in super deep. Ew. I'm about to puke while typing this. All I'm going to say is that I almost passed out. The blood drained from my face and things were getting foggy. Two cups of orange juice and 10 minutes of rest and I was ok to blow into the lung machine thing. My mom said she was watching the screen as I did my tests and my lungs were so strong the cursor practically shot off the screen. Ha. All I can say is that my wrist hurts today and it looks like I got bit by a spider.
After the Pulmonary Tests I waited again until they took me to do all the pre-surgery vitals and EKG and whatnot. More blood work was involved but I was fine. The only thing that kept running through my mind was that I could not believe I was going through this again...such a short time after my last surgery. It just really fucking sucks.
My surgery is scheduled for January 3rd, 2012. I guess I wanted to be able to semi enjoy my birthday, Christmas and New Years without being in pain. The shitty thing is that I really can't enjoy my New Years as much as I'd like to since I can't drink or even take freakin' vitamins a week before my surgery. I guess I'll be ringing in the New Year sober...not like that's a major issue. But being around drunk people when you're not drunk isn't exactly the most fun you'll ever have. Oh well.
The only other thing that really blows is the fact that I'll be 27 in two days and it's like I'm not even excited for it. The only thing I keep thinking about is the impending doom I'm going to have to face in a few weeks. Not to mention the fact that once again I won't know what's happening until I wake up from surgery. I won't know if I'll be shacked up in my house for a few weeks or a few months. I won't know if I'll be in crazy pain with tubes coming out every which way and in the hospital for 5 days. I won't know if I'll be facing a miserable healing process or if it'll be a piece of cake. It sucks - not to know. That, I think, is the worst part.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Life as I know it.
I decided to take the day off today to lounge around my house with my dogs and watch movies on the couch. Sometimes you just need a breather, you know? I was woken up this morning by a phone call from my doctor's office - scheduling me for an appointment on the 15th. I was kind of pissed that I wouldn't be able to find out what the hell is going on until then so I called my mom to do the dirty work and find out what was actually happening from my doctor.
Side note: My 27th birthday is on the 17th. Happy birthday to me!
My mom called me back a little while later with a bunch of news. I guess you could say it's both good and not so good. I'll start with the good.
First of all, there are three nodules but the third one is actually in my left lung - which apparently was already there before my surgery. This one actually shrunk in size so they don't think it's anything to worry about and do not believe it's cancerous. Which is great! The second piece of news is that she doesn't want to explore chemo at this time...again. Which, of course, I'm thrilled with. The third piece of (semi) good news is that the new tumors in my right lung are so small that there are a few different options I can choose from. Which leads into the not so great news.
The first choice I have is to not do anything and watch to see if they grow during the next 3 months until my next CT's. Apparently quite a few people choose this choice! I mean, to each his own but seriously - I don't want this shit in my body. Get it the fuck out. So that is not even a possibility in my mind. My second option is to get this type of hormonal therapy which would include pills and/or injections. This would throw me into early menopause. GREAT!! My mom didn't discuss this with my doctor but my only concern with that (other then the loads of unwanted side effects) would be if I ever decided I wanted to have kids - would I be able to? I don't know if I want that hanging over my head. And Lord knows I was never a kid person but I still want to know I have the option. The third choice is this less invasive type of surgery where they actually go in and burn the tumors.
She said that she didn't think my lung doctor would want to operate only because I legit JUST had surgery. My mom asked if she could speak with my lung doctor to see what his thoughts on all this would be so that on the 15th we would have all possible options to explore.
The last piece of information I should add is that my doctor said that in the scheme of everything, these tumors are extremely small. The one that has been there for a year or so was a .7 and the new one from my scans in August was a .4. They both grew to a .9. Obviously, it's not a good thing. But, they are still very small. This is the only saving grace I'm holding onto. At least it's not like over the last few months they grew into this giant mass that was taking over my lung. It's still fucking scary and I'm still super upset. But at least I know I have a few options to look into.
Decisions, decisions...
Side note: My 27th birthday is on the 17th. Happy birthday to me!
My mom called me back a little while later with a bunch of news. I guess you could say it's both good and not so good. I'll start with the good.
First of all, there are three nodules but the third one is actually in my left lung - which apparently was already there before my surgery. This one actually shrunk in size so they don't think it's anything to worry about and do not believe it's cancerous. Which is great! The second piece of news is that she doesn't want to explore chemo at this time...again. Which, of course, I'm thrilled with. The third piece of (semi) good news is that the new tumors in my right lung are so small that there are a few different options I can choose from. Which leads into the not so great news.
The first choice I have is to not do anything and watch to see if they grow during the next 3 months until my next CT's. Apparently quite a few people choose this choice! I mean, to each his own but seriously - I don't want this shit in my body. Get it the fuck out. So that is not even a possibility in my mind. My second option is to get this type of hormonal therapy which would include pills and/or injections. This would throw me into early menopause. GREAT!! My mom didn't discuss this with my doctor but my only concern with that (other then the loads of unwanted side effects) would be if I ever decided I wanted to have kids - would I be able to? I don't know if I want that hanging over my head. And Lord knows I was never a kid person but I still want to know I have the option. The third choice is this less invasive type of surgery where they actually go in and burn the tumors.
She said that she didn't think my lung doctor would want to operate only because I legit JUST had surgery. My mom asked if she could speak with my lung doctor to see what his thoughts on all this would be so that on the 15th we would have all possible options to explore.
The last piece of information I should add is that my doctor said that in the scheme of everything, these tumors are extremely small. The one that has been there for a year or so was a .7 and the new one from my scans in August was a .4. They both grew to a .9. Obviously, it's not a good thing. But, they are still very small. This is the only saving grace I'm holding onto. At least it's not like over the last few months they grew into this giant mass that was taking over my lung. It's still fucking scary and I'm still super upset. But at least I know I have a few options to look into.
Decisions, decisions...
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
It's back...Again.
Welp - today didn't go as I'd hoped/prayed. To be honest I don't even have the strength to discuss the hours of waiting around for my three appointments (as I am currently sedated on more then a few xanax...). But what I will say is that I got the third worst news of my life delivered by the nasty bitch doctor. The two nodules that were already in my right lung grew and now there's a third. Given my track record it's Cancer. Again. In my right lung this time.
I am so fucking upset.
Not only am I, of course, upset that it's back...but I'm upset that I fucking did this Trial and basically tortured myself for months only to now be removed from it because the Cancer is back. Gotta love it.
At first I was really mad because I just couldn't help but feel like I did all this bullshit for nothing but I mean, I guess it meant something. The whole thing just really fucking sucks. Like, hardcore. And the worst part is that I - AS USUAL - have to wait around to find out what's going to happen. Since my regular doctor wasn't there today to deliver the news, now I have to wait for her to call me to either schedule an appointment to discuss my options or tell me over the phone. I'm guessing she'll want me to come in like they always do.
The nasty doctor mentioned having the nodules biopsied, getting chemo or more surgery. The one slightly good piece of information is that the nodules aren't exactly super big so I'm praying by some grace of whatever God is out there that they'll be able to just remove them by some small type of surgery rather then the pure fucking HELL I had to endure the last time.
I am devastated. But I'm also starting to wonder what the bigger picture for me is. Will this ever end? Will I be doomed to constantly be wondering when, not if, it will come back? It's just another major stress I have to worry about.
Any positive thoughts, prayers, good vibes, whatever that can be sent my way, I'd sure appreciate it.
I just can't but help but feel...defeated. It's just like, how much is life going to load on me? I wish it would just give me some sort of break already. Again, I've never asked why this happened to me...why I had to be the one...but I just wish I could see what was going to happen with my future. Will I forever be dealing with this? How many scars am I going to wind up with? Not that I even give a shit about a few physical scars - I'm talking about the emotional ones. It's just the process of going through surgery or treatment or probing or prodding or healing. It all just fucking sucks. I was soo hoping that this Trial would possibly lead to something good. It's a smack in the face that it didn't.
Back to the drawing board.
I am so fucking upset.
Not only am I, of course, upset that it's back...but I'm upset that I fucking did this Trial and basically tortured myself for months only to now be removed from it because the Cancer is back. Gotta love it.
At first I was really mad because I just couldn't help but feel like I did all this bullshit for nothing but I mean, I guess it meant something. The whole thing just really fucking sucks. Like, hardcore. And the worst part is that I - AS USUAL - have to wait around to find out what's going to happen. Since my regular doctor wasn't there today to deliver the news, now I have to wait for her to call me to either schedule an appointment to discuss my options or tell me over the phone. I'm guessing she'll want me to come in like they always do.
The nasty doctor mentioned having the nodules biopsied, getting chemo or more surgery. The one slightly good piece of information is that the nodules aren't exactly super big so I'm praying by some grace of whatever God is out there that they'll be able to just remove them by some small type of surgery rather then the pure fucking HELL I had to endure the last time.
I am devastated. But I'm also starting to wonder what the bigger picture for me is. Will this ever end? Will I be doomed to constantly be wondering when, not if, it will come back? It's just another major stress I have to worry about.
Any positive thoughts, prayers, good vibes, whatever that can be sent my way, I'd sure appreciate it.
I just can't but help but feel...defeated. It's just like, how much is life going to load on me? I wish it would just give me some sort of break already. Again, I've never asked why this happened to me...why I had to be the one...but I just wish I could see what was going to happen with my future. Will I forever be dealing with this? How many scars am I going to wind up with? Not that I even give a shit about a few physical scars - I'm talking about the emotional ones. It's just the process of going through surgery or treatment or probing or prodding or healing. It all just fucking sucks. I was soo hoping that this Trial would possibly lead to something good. It's a smack in the face that it didn't.
Back to the drawing board.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Fuck you, Cancer.
So - tomorrow I have my first CT's since I started the Trial. I can't believe it was 6 months ago already. Six months down, one year to go...of needles and tests and blood work and doctor visits, anyway. I'm both a little nervous and excited for these CT's. God willing they will be fine and I'll be able to start counting the days/months/years of being Cancer free again. It would be really great if this series of vaccinations actually meant I wouldn't have to worry about something showing up ever again.
My day of fun starts tomorrow at 8am. My CT's are scheduled for 9am which means I have to be there an hour early to drink the gallon of grossness they make you consume before your scans. After my CT's are done, my next appointment isn't until 2pm! Which means I'll be walking aimlessly around NY for approximately four hours until my blood work. After that, I'm scheduled to meet with a doctor. Guess which one? That nasty BITCH I said I never wanted to be scheduled with again!
Because I had to call Sloan back four times to get all my appointments scheduled on the same day rather then multiple days, she was the only available doctor on the day they were able to schedule everything on. I'm pissed. At least this time I really don't have any questions to ask. I'm legit not even going to smile at her. Just check my heartbeat for 18 seconds like you did the last time and get out, assbag.
After my (it's sure to be...) lovely appointment with her, I'll have to wait another hour and 1/2 to two hours to get my vaccination...the fourth appointment of the day. Again, this is because apparently on the days I see a doctor they can't start thawing the vaccination until the doctor sees me and calls it in. It's so fucking stupid but what am I going to do? So this basically means I'll be aimlessly walking for yet another two hours of my life on the streets of NY until they call me to tell me I can come get jabbed with the second needle of the day. Joy.
I'm assuming I won't get home until around 7-8pm tomorrow and we're leaving at like, 6:15am. Although it's better to get everything done in the same day, they space it out way too much. I really don't get how they don't look at a schedule like that and just ponder to themselves, hmm...if I were her I sure as hell wouldn't want to spend 10 hours of my day in and out of doctor appointments.
Maybe I'm the crazy one.
On a more positive note, I added some new ink to my body. I thought about it for a while and decided that although these last 3+ years have had their ups and downs, ultimately the tribulations I've endured have just made me stronger. It was as if this was a test of my strength and capacity as a person. I always knew I was capable of handling shitty situations but I really never knew I could withstand so much until I was able to pull through without completely falling apart.
For those dealing with an illness, loss, some test of character...keep holding on. If you give up you'll never know incredibly brave you really are. When things seem like they can't get any lower, they might. Life has a nasty sense of humor but the way I see it you have two choices: fight or give up. If everything in this world was easy we would never know that we could survive the worst of times and come out stronger then ever.
So to that, I say Fuck You, Cancer.
September 8th, 2008 and June 8th, 2011 have made me what I am today: Stronger.
My day of fun starts tomorrow at 8am. My CT's are scheduled for 9am which means I have to be there an hour early to drink the gallon of grossness they make you consume before your scans. After my CT's are done, my next appointment isn't until 2pm! Which means I'll be walking aimlessly around NY for approximately four hours until my blood work. After that, I'm scheduled to meet with a doctor. Guess which one? That nasty BITCH I said I never wanted to be scheduled with again!
Because I had to call Sloan back four times to get all my appointments scheduled on the same day rather then multiple days, she was the only available doctor on the day they were able to schedule everything on. I'm pissed. At least this time I really don't have any questions to ask. I'm legit not even going to smile at her. Just check my heartbeat for 18 seconds like you did the last time and get out, assbag.
After my (it's sure to be...) lovely appointment with her, I'll have to wait another hour and 1/2 to two hours to get my vaccination...the fourth appointment of the day. Again, this is because apparently on the days I see a doctor they can't start thawing the vaccination until the doctor sees me and calls it in. It's so fucking stupid but what am I going to do? So this basically means I'll be aimlessly walking for yet another two hours of my life on the streets of NY until they call me to tell me I can come get jabbed with the second needle of the day. Joy.
I'm assuming I won't get home until around 7-8pm tomorrow and we're leaving at like, 6:15am. Although it's better to get everything done in the same day, they space it out way too much. I really don't get how they don't look at a schedule like that and just ponder to themselves, hmm...if I were her I sure as hell wouldn't want to spend 10 hours of my day in and out of doctor appointments.
Maybe I'm the crazy one.
On a more positive note, I added some new ink to my body. I thought about it for a while and decided that although these last 3+ years have had their ups and downs, ultimately the tribulations I've endured have just made me stronger. It was as if this was a test of my strength and capacity as a person. I always knew I was capable of handling shitty situations but I really never knew I could withstand so much until I was able to pull through without completely falling apart.
For those dealing with an illness, loss, some test of character...keep holding on. If you give up you'll never know incredibly brave you really are. When things seem like they can't get any lower, they might. Life has a nasty sense of humor but the way I see it you have two choices: fight or give up. If everything in this world was easy we would never know that we could survive the worst of times and come out stronger then ever.
So to that, I say Fuck You, Cancer.
September 8th, 2008 and June 8th, 2011 have made me what I am today: Stronger.
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