Now don't get me wrong - I am THRILLED with this information. However, I've heard this kind of news already, almost 3 years ago. What people who don't have Cancer don't seem to understand is that yes - OF COURSE I am ecstatic when I receive news like this...but I will always be wondering if it will come back again. There is always that possibility.
There have been some people I've known who have mistaken my realistic view of life for negativity. I don't find myself to be a negative person at all. In fact, with all the bullshit I've endured I'm actually surprised that I'm NOT super negative. But I will say this - I'm realistic. I like to examine everything from every angle. There is never one side to any story and there is never only one outcome in life. Something could always happen. With that being said, when people tell me "this is the last time!" or "you completely beat it!" I let them be happy for me and I'm most definitely grateful for the kind words. However, this is never how I look at my life. Some might mistake that for not looking at it in a positive light. To me, I know I'm just being realistic and would rather be mentally prepared should anything happen again.
When I first found the original tumor in 2008, I was assured many times over that the mass was just a cyst. After surgery, I was assured again that it was benign and that I shouldn't worry myself over it. Imagine my surprise when the tumor tested positive for Cancer and I was left wondering why I hadn't been warned from the beginning. I never want to have this happen to me again so in order to protect myself, I prepare for the worst but hope for the best. I don't think there's anything wrong with this. It's not being negative - it's being aware that shitty things can happen in life and you just have to be ready when they do.
With that being said, let me update my current physical and emotional states since surgery. I can say with a (large) smile that two nights ago I was able to sleep on my stomach for the first time. Woohoo! I can't even begin to tell you how sore the right side of my body has become since the 28th due to me putting all my weight on it constantly. I've only been able to sleep in one position since the surgery and let me tell you this - it is no fun. My neck and upper back have three giant knots in them that I keep aggravating each night I sleep in my one position. This causes soreness throughout the entire next day...so being able to switch to a different position in the middle of the night helps alleviate this a little, at least.
My incisions are healing nicely, I guess. The liquid bandages that were covering the four holes from the Laparoscopic surgery are starting to come off. One actually fell off completely (my right hip) and the wound underneath isn't terrible. I can say this though (which makes even ME want to barf)...my belly button is not for the weak stomached people. Belly buttons in general freak me out but knowing that mine has been infiltrated with a long surgical tube with a camera on the end grosses me out beyond belief. Ew.
I've been taking walks around my neighborhood each morning to strengthen my lung capacity and I actually feel better when I do. I've only been home a week but I'm already getting severe cabin fever. Being able to walk around the block a few times busts me out of the house for a little while at least. In the weeks before surgery I was joking to some of my friends that perhaps this summer would prove to be the darkest skinned I've ever been since I would have nothing else to do but lay outside recuperating. The problem is that since the incision is right along my bra line I cannot wear a bikini top. Instead, I have to wear a spaghetti-strapped tank top and pull down the straps to form a make-shift strapless top to avoid tan lines. This then poses the next problem that once I do start getting some color, everything under the tank top will be white as a ghost. Fun. Notice that my faux bikini mimics that of a risque 1920's suit. Clearly that is the look I was going for...
Today I got a little daring and decided to lay on my stomach hoping I would be able to get some color on the back of my arms to cancel out the bruising a little. I was laying like that for all of 20 minutes. When I got up, I almost fell back down due to the pain. Clearly I'm getting a little ahead of myself with the activities I feel like I can and cannot do. Laying on my stomach to tan my back = cannot do. My ribcage on the left side under my boob is SO extremely sore it feels like someone repetitively punched me there for a solid hour and now my muscles are mending. This is happy me before I decided to stand up:
Aside from the laundry list of spots where I'm either in pain or super sore, I also have quite a bit of nerve damage from surgery. While I was in the hospital I wasn't allowed to shower (obviously) due to the tubes being in. I'm sure anyone whose gone through an in-patient surgery can say they've had the pleasure of "bathing" with some type of no rinse skin cleanser. While using this I realized that I was completely numb from my waist to my neck including underneath my arms to my elbows and my armpits. That was a fun realization. I thought they had done something wrong in surgery or my epidural was hitting something in my spine causing me to lose all feeling in those areas of my body. After I mentioned this to about 4 nurses and both of my doctor's, I started to calm down a bit when all of them had the same response that I was going to be fine. I have regained most of the feeling back in the right side of my body but the left is still mainly numb. This is not the most comfortable feeling in the world; especially since the pain medicine I'm on causes me to itch a lot. When I have to scratch an itch in an area that is numb, it feels totally weird. Not to mention if it's on a spot that's both sore and numb...ew. I can't explain the feeling. It's just weird.
Some spots where nerve damage has occured are slowly starting to heal but with the healing comes a tingly sensation - as if I have pins and needles in that area all the time. As long as I regain total feeling in every area that has the damage, I don't care what sensations I have to deal with.
The crappy thing is that no matter what position I'm standing, sitting, laying, whatever-ing in, I'm never comfortable. There is never any real relief. There's always a part of me that's sore or itchy or tingly or numb or painful. I can never just sit down on my couch and be comfortable, no matter how many pillows or comforters are barricading me in.
All in all the recovery is not very pleasant; however, slowly but surely I'm starting to feel a little better. I keep thanking God that all I lost was a small part of my lung because seriously, this is hard enough to deal with. If I lost my entire lung I don't think I would be able to handle it. Breathing has been a little easier for me although I'm still taking my pain meds like candy. I'm going to be out of them by the time my follow-up appointment rolls around this coming Friday. I'm nervous since throughout this entire ordeal I've felt like I've been begging my doctors and nurses for any type of pain relief. It's ridiculous.
Mentally I'm doing pretty well but again - I'm already starting to go a little nuts being cooped up inside my house. My mother picked me up a few nights ago to take me to her house for dinner and a change of scenery. The car ride sucked. Every bump we went over I felt in my back, chest, boobs, ribs, etc. Since I'm not allowed to drive I can't even suck up the pain and escape for a little. Do the blinds in my room remind you of prison bars? They're starting to look that way for me...
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