Lately - I've been an emotional wreck. This whole should I or shouldn't I Clinical Trial thing is driving me insane. If it wasn't a Clinical Trial filled with my nemesis (The Needle), I might be more easily swayed to participating in it. However, those who know me have seen the blood drain from my face as if someone poked a hole in a glass of water and watched the liquid level lower little by little. I get horrible anxiety, cry (I know it sounds childish...) and sometimes pass out. The anxiety that walks hand and hand with The Needle is unbearable.
On top of all the vaccinations and blood work I'll need done for the next 3 YEARS while I'm in the Study, I'll probably be getting more CT Scans then I would normally receive should I decide not to take part in the Trial. Which means more radiation. Which means unnecessary radiation. Just what someone whose had Cancer wants pumped into their body...something that is prone to causing it. It's bad enough I'll be going back to getting them every 3-4 months for however long either one of my doctor's decides I need to go (my lung Dr. stated that I would only need to go for a year of every 4 months but I doubt my regular Dr. will agree to that - ugh)...but if I need additional tests on top of all that?
So - I have The Needle, extra CT Scans, possible serious side effects that I'll never know about until I get them down the road (IF I get them down the road...) on top of some serious, serious time. This isn't a few visits we're talking about. This is 84 weeks of being intensely in the Study, plus another (approximate) 2 years of observation after that. I am not a rich woman. It's $28.00 every time I go into the city on the train. If I drive - it's not me that drives. My dad does. I'm too afraid to ruin my new car (selfish, I know) so he's gracious enough to drive his car in when we go. That means he'll have to take the time and gas money to go. Plus, what will happen with my job? They are wonderful people and of course they were very understanding about me taking the time to be out for my surgery and the recovery afterwards but I can't tell them I need to take 50 additional days off to partake in a Clinical Trial.
It's just all so confusing. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. Tomorrow I guess I will need to make my decision. The truth of the matter is...I really do want to do it. It's scary and I'm nervous about the side effects in the future - but I do want to do it. If it was a pill or something like that, I would have already agreed and signed the Consent Form. People might think I'm being a little ridiculous when I say the main reason for not doing it is because of all the needles but if you had a phobia, you would understand. It's like asking someone whose deathly afraid of heights to stand at the top of the Empire State Building on a ledge with no safety rail and look down. I hate needles. Just thinking about them now - I'm already starting to get anxiety and my eyes are tearing up. The thing is - I hate that I hate them! I've tried to "get over it" and truthfully I do feel like I've gotten a little better since being diagnosed almost 3 years ago but it's still pretty bad. Knowing that this Trial only consists of getting stabbed with needles endlessly...it's just torture for me. It is true torture.
But honestly - I don't want to do this Trial for me. Who knows if it could really do anything in a positive way for me...but I want to do it for others who might find themselves in this shitty position. I would never wish something like this on anyone. Finding out you have Cancer is truly devastating. If I could be one of a few that could possibly aid in paving the way to finding a cure - how amazing would that feel? I have always been (as I'm sure many others are as well) looking for a way to feel "fulfilled". To do something that really makes you look at your life as if you did something great - something that truly helps others. This could be it.
I wish I knew the right answer.
On a side note - I went out with my mom for manicures and pedicures today for her birthday. Still unable to don a bra, multiple tank tops were worn for the occasion. The thing I love most about splurging for a pedicure is the fabulous massage chair you're stationed in. A lover of massages, I wish I could purchase one for my room. Since my incision is on my back - but healing - I was hesitant to turn on the chair but upon seeing the bliss my mother was in, I couldn't help myself. I tried not to lean back when the fake kneading hands were on the incision area but even so, I am still incredibly sore tonight. Nice going, me. I start to feel better and think I can handle these things, but clearly I cannot. Below is the healing process thus far:
No comments:
Post a Comment