To be a guinea pig or not: That is the question.

I scheduled a follow up visit with my Oncologist the last time I was in her office just in case something happened during/after surgery that would cause me to need to see her again. I called her office a few days ago asking if she wanted to go ahead and cancel our appointment since my Pathology Reports came back negative. My mom heard from her today stating that she wanted to keep our appointment.

You could imagine my initial reaction upon hearing this: WHY?

She told my mother that apparently I had high levels of estrogen in the tumor which is actually a good thing. It means that the Cancer is less aggressive then it could be. This is good news for me because a less aggressive type of Cancer means I have better chances of it not coming back. She also stated that due to my CT Scan's and Pathology Reports, she is going to stick with her "no Chemo" decision...which of course I could not be happier about. The last thing she mentioned (and the reason why she wanted to keep our appointment) is that she wanted to get my thoughts about enrolling me in a Clinical Trial.

Obviously more would be explained to me during our appointment - if I choose to keep it. But basically this study would be getting a series of vaccinations (great.) called OPT-821 over the course of a year and a 1/2. At first, I would be receiving one per week, then moving onto one per month, then one every few months and so on up until the end of a 84 weeks. The vaccination has apparently been very successful with Melanoma Patients therefore now they want to branch it out to other types of Cancer - Sarcoma's being one of them. There would be 134 Sarcoma Patients being studied across the country - myself being one of them. This vaccination is basically to see if they perhaps discovered a cure for certain types of Cancer.

The initial thought process for most might be, wow, a cure! Not mine. Instead, I cried. There are just too many questions to ask before being elated. Because they've never really tested this on Sarcoma Patients, what would the side effects be like 5, 10, 40 years down the road? What would the side effects be like now? If I never got Cancer again (God willing) how would they know if it was because of the vaccination? What if the Cancer came back (God forbid) and it was more aggressive?

I basically have no PTO days left at work due to this crappy disability (I don't accumulate days while I'm on Disability plus I have a vacation booked the first week of September and a week in November, thank goodness - meaning I have no days left)....and I would be missing a lot of work for this study. But my mom brought up a good point - it is my life we're talking about. What if this really could lead to a cure? I've always said to myself if I could participate in a study that could possibly save others from having to deal with what I've gone through, I would. But now that it's presented itself to me - I'm scared. What if it doesn't work? What if it does? Do I allow myself to be a guinea pig or not?

Again, I'm sure after my appointment with her on August 4th I would know a lot more about this whole thing then right now but it's still so confusing. Of course my doctor is going to try to convince me to partake in the study because of the possible outcome. The crappy part about the whole thing is that I need to start getting the vaccinations within a certain amount of time after my surgery - and I only have about a week to make a decision. Nothing like waiting until the last minute.

Ugghhhhh I just wish I had a crystal ball to show me the right paths to choose in life - but then again, I guess everyone does. I miss the days where the only thing I was concerned about was if a boy I liked would call me or if I wore the right outfit on Picture Day at school. Why is everything suddenly so difficult? I still feel like I'm too young to make these kinds of decisions or to go through the shit I have to endure daily. It's just not fair sometimes.

I guess I shouldn't complain. Things could be a lot worse and really are a lot worse for other people. I'm just so confused. Help.